Review: Creepy Cocoa Crisp M&M’s

Happy Halloween! Boy do I have a trick and a treat up my sleeve (where it isn’t melting; just in my mouth) for you. In fact, the trick is the treat:

BOO! I’m not actually reviewing a cereal today! In fact, it’s nothing you should eat for breakfast at all—well, except on Halloween, when all servings can be called “fun sized” as long as you’re having fun eating them.

They’re called Creepy Cocoa Crisp M&M’s, and based solely on the Faux-coa Krispies rendered on the bag, I’m calling this an officially unofficial Halloween Cereal. In vaguely spooky colors of red, orange and brown (why can’t they release special edition jet-black M&M’s filled with, oh I don’t know, glowstick juice?), Creepy Cocoa Crisp M&M’s, otherwise known as C³M², are jumbo dark chocolate morsels filled with an aptly and vaguely named “Cocoa Crisp Center.”

All I’m gonna say before opening the bag is that, since Mars couldn’t be edgy enough to give Red the Beelzebub costume he was born to wear, they better at least make his bat-winged brooch the prize inside. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: chocolate, halloween, non cereal. 1 Comment

Oct. ’19

Review: Kellogg’s All Together Cereal

Cereal mixology is a topic close to my heart.

Granted, I don’t actually mix cereals often—usually when I’m running uncomfortably low on one and/or the other cereal—but the infinite conceptual liberty that comes from architecting palate-impacting pairings that transform a familiar cereal experience into a work of edible interpretive art. And that’s before you add different milks to the equation!

There are obvious mixes, like Donettes + Honey Bun Cereal + Milky Coffee.

There are weirder ideas, like Banana Creme Frosted Flakes + Millville Peanut Butter & Jelly Puffs + Vanilla Almond Milk + Maple Syrup (I call it “An Unforgettable Bruncheon”).

And then there are mixes so uncouth and dubious that they border on cereal slander. Mixes like the one proposed and encouraged (but never confidently owned) by Kellogg’s in its All Together Cereal.

Released in support of GLAAD and LGBTQ+ youth for Spirit Day, All Together Cereal is a $20 novelty box stuffed with six miniature cereal boxes that, theoretically, you’re meant to gob all up in the same bowl as a symbol of intersectional solidarity. Of course, when you realize that Kellogg’s is only donating up to $50,000, a ‘stunning’ 1/258,640 of their annual revenue, All Together Cereal becomes a pretty obvious face for Rainbow Capitalism.

So while the concept is good-natured and silly, it has its share of ethical undoings before even cracking it open. But hey, might as well see just how offensive the proposed cereal concoction is, too! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: corn flakes, froot loops, frosted flakes, kellogg's, mini-wheats, raisin bran, rice krispies. 5 Comments

Oct. ’19

The Empty Bowl Episode Twenty-One: Life’s Deepest Divisions

Welcome back to The Empty 𝘽𝙊𝙊!-wl.

There, now that you’re properly petrified from that mid-sentence jump scare, you’re also in luck, because the latest (and last episode before Halloween) of The Empty Bowl is 31 minutes of creepy-calming cereal shop-talking. Join Justin and I as we get salty about Pop-Tart shells, review my mortally damning Grape-Nuts crime, and catch you up on the eye-popping hereditary history of Halloween Froot Loops.

If there’s something strange in your mental neighborhood, you can call on nineteen other episodes of cereal stress-busting at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but each one makes me eat a bowl of cereal. My life’s in your hands.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: empty bowl. 2 Comments

Oct. ’19

News: Hershey Kisses Cereal and Trolls Trix with Marshmallows

Never before has a new cereal pairing sounded so much like a Cosmopolitan quiz.

Are you a Kiss, or a Troll? We can tell you in one question

And that question would be something along the lines of:

If you could pick a sexy location for making whoopie, which would you choose:

A) The bathroom at a fancy fondue joint
B) Under a dumpy bridge

No matter your alignment, I think it’s tough to be upset with either of General Mills’ two upcoming cereals—which we know about thanks entirely to @sega_retro_revival. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, movie cereals, news, trix. 6 Comments

Oct. ’19

Spooned & Spotted (Canada): Tim Hortons Timbits Cereal!

Ooh, this one hits me hard. Hard as a quarter-empty 50-pack of Timbits left behind at an executive meeting that was later scavenged and greedily gobbled by me like a feral Pac-Man.

As a lifelong Michigander, I’m no stranger to Tim Hortons. In fact, I have a nostalgic, pliable and doughy soft spot for the place, as it conjures fond memories: of my dad buying me chocolate chip muffins. Memories of my high school self bicycling out of school at lunchtime like a bat out of hell to make it to Timmy’s before they stopped making maple oatmeal. And of course, memories of my more recent self scavenging and gobbling Timbits like a feral Pac-Man.

Waka waka waka, and yada yada yada: the point is that Canada is getting exclusive Timbits Cereals to celebrate what may arguably be the northwest hemisphere’s most beloved doughnut holes.

A few things are still unclear about these Post-produced products. When will they come out? Will there be more flavors beyond Chocolate Glazed and Birthday Cake (I’m lookin’ at you, Apple Fritter)? And who will trebuchet 90kg of this stuff 300m over the MI–CA border for me?

No matter the answers, I can conclusively say that as a fan of both doughnuts and doughnut cereals, I’m excited to see if these boxed dozens can bring zen to my breakfast table.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: birthday cake, canada, chocolate, spooned & spotted. 3 Comments

Oct. ’19

Spooned & Spotted: Hostess Twinkies Cereal

Somebody call Cap’n Crunch, because there are some new golden doubloons hitting the breakfast table.

For the past three months, “Twinkies Cereal” has been phantasmically dancing atop the tongues of cereal lovers like Twinkie the Kid at whatever spectral square-dance they send brand mascots to to purgatorily pass time in between discontinuations. Sure, we’ve seen the theoretical box for a while, but Post has a (recent) history of leaking cereal ideas that never end up amounting to anything.

Stay gold, Teddy Grahams Cereal. Stay golder than a Golden Graham.

But any doubt about these crunchy golden sponge-cakelets can finally be put to rest (in the family plot, between Fruit Pie the Magician and Happy Ho Ho). Thanks to continued correspondent Devin, we now have clear optics on the fully produced cereal itself, meaning it’s rapidly approaching release. And while it certainly looks just about how you’d expect—tragically, without the tiny, cream-stuffed exhaust holes on the bottom—Devin also provided his synopsis of the flavor:

“Tastes a lot like the Donettes cereal. The cereal itself seems familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it…”

With a forecast that titillating, I now feel I must steel my taste buds to try and recognize any arcane analogues. Here’s hoping it’s closer to “bowl full of mini Golden Oreos” than “bowl full of Golden Oreo O’s.”

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: Hostess, post, spooned & spotted. 2 Comments

Oct. ’19

News: Kellogg’s Frozen II Cereal

Let’s be real: if you’ve been keeping up with the cereal trend that’s been pushing me over the edge of polite and bloggerly cereal fanboyism toward the turgid wastelands of frustration and Snickerless un-me-ness, you might know what meme I plan to end this blurb with.

Yes, Kellogg’s keeps releasing boring cereals. They’re either fake-fruity loops or, well, they’re Frozen II Cereal: another licensed Lucky Charms knock-off that’s the exact same thing as Frozen Cereal, but with a new box. There are bland oat pieces. There are white snowballs and blue something-or-others. The point is, I didn’t expect anything more from a movie cereal, but I was at least hoping for a reason to review it. I’m sure there’s a young Frozen fan in your life who will demand this cereal with icy determination, but you might be better off dicing up some grocery store carrot cake and tossing it into a bowl of Donettes.

Now, to fulfill my promise:

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: kellogg's, movie cereals. 3 Comments