Author Archives: dan g.

25

Mar. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Batman vs. Superman Rice Krispies Treats

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Superman stands confidently, his hands on his hips and his feet floating some six inches off the ground. “I’m the Son of Krypton, the Man of Steel! I’m impervious to bullets and faster than a speeding one. You’re only a man. How can you ever hope to stop me?”

Batman’s eyes glow as he pulls a glimmering, foil-wrapped rectangle from his utility belt. “With Rice Krispies Treats.”

Superman scorches the Krispies into dust with a blink of his heat vision.

Batman looks defeated. “Damn, I packed that for my snack! You better not melt my Capri-Sun and Ziploc baggie of Oreos, too.”

It should come as a surprise to no one that instead of going out to watch the new Batman vs. Superman movie, I’m indoors writing terrible fan fiction about this box of BvS branded Rice Krispies Treats. Each treat comes adorably wrapped and ready for parents to pack for school lunches (uh, sorry about that one, Bruce Wayne). The Treats are adorned with rainbow “candy coated chocolate pieces,” but for Batman’s sake, we’d better hope the green pieces are made of Kryptonite.

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23

Mar. ’16

Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal

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Fans of edible, crunchy cartoon heads: rejoice!

That’s right, General Mills’ new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles joins the proud lineage of cereals shaped like grinning faces, which includes Kaboom, Cabbage Patch Kids Cereal, and even another Canada-exclusive TMNT cereal from back in the day.

There’s something about carnivorously devouring cereal smileys that’s sadistically satisfying. It’s probably the fact that these faces tend to be nightmarishly creepy, so pulverizing them with a molar guillotine feels like I’m doing the world a service.

General Mills surprisingly dropped this TMNT cereal on shelves without any announcement, like a heroes in a half-shell bombshell. I’m not upset, though: walking into the supermarket and seeing this cereal was like finding a prize at the bottom of a cereal box…except in this case the box was the prize.

That sentence made no sense, so let’s just dive—or maybe ninja flip—right into the review.

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21

Mar. ’16

Cereal Time with Gabe Fonseca: Nut & Honey Crunch and Cröonchy Stars Cereal

*Raises right hand*

I, Dan G. of Cerealously, formally swear to make it through this entire post without making any juvenile “nuts” jokes.

Okay, now that we’ve finished all the formalities, let’s put our honey where our mouth is. It’s that time again: time to share the latest two videos in cereal honcho Gabe Fonseca’s YouTube series. Cereal Time covers a different cereal each week, and each episode is sure to teach you more than your middle school American History class ever did.

The first episode we’d like to share with you covers Kellogg’s Nut & Honey Crunch cereal. Despite the simplicity of its name and ingredients, you’d be surprised just how complicated this cereal’s history is. Continue reading →

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19

Mar. ’16

Review: Barbara’s Toasted Oatmeal Flakes Cereal

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Toast is a great breakfast food. Oatmeal is a great breakfast food.

But by flinging gobs of oatmeal into your toaster, you can make an even better breakfast food: Toasted Oatmeal Flakes!

(Note: this is probably not how Toasted Oatmeal Flakes are made. This is probably how “Toasted Kitchen Curtains” are made, though.)

Before this weekend, I had no idea that Barbara’s even made a Toasted Oatmeal Flake cereal. In fact, I had no idea that any other cereal producer, other than Trader Joe’s, made Toasted Oatmeal Flakes.

But then I took a trip to one of those weird, slightly skeevy surplus grocery stores that often sells cereals and toaster pastries that are too close to their expiration dates for any major grocery chain to comfortably carry.

It’s where I found Barbara’s Toasted Oatmeal Flakes—and a questionably ancient box of Scooby-Doo cereal, but that’s a story for another day At a price of $1.50 per box, I couldn’t resist trying this cereal, even if it meant possibly eating stale flakes that taste more cardboard-y than the box.

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17

Mar. ’16

Spooned & Spotted: Lucky Charms with Green Clovers & Gold Coins

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Happy St. Patrick’s Day, or as it’s alternatively known, “Beer & Lucky Charms Day!” I can’t recommend mixing both together, but if you alternate swigs and spoonfuls, I won’t tell anyone.

What I can recommend is Lucky Charms’ Limited Edition Green Clover & Gold Coin Marshmallows cereal, specially released for this season of emerald and jade.

The name of the cereal says it all: instead of his usual rainbows, horseshoes, shooting stars, and more, Irish Timmy Turner Lucky has cut down his marshmallow menagerie to two holiday appropriate ones.

The good news is that these Lucky Charms come in both original and chocolate, so oat purists and chocoholics alike can both have a happy St. Patrick’s Day. The bad news is that the green marshmallows don’t have any special minty flavor or anything.

C’mon, Lucky! This was your chance to overthrow Shamrock Shakes for the title of “St. Paddy’s Day dessert of choice!” I have nothing against Shamrock Shakes, but I am still a little bitter that Uncle O’Grimacey isn’t around anymore. Continue reading →

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16

Mar. ’16

Review: Trader Joe’s Cherry Pomegranate Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries

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Well look at you, Trader Joe’s: always getting all prim and proper with your flavors and names for things.

Instead of “cheddar,” we get “Trader Joe’s Oakwood Cold Smoked English Cheddar Cheese.” Where others would buy “ravioli,” we buy “Trader Giotto’s Arugula & Parmigiano Reggiano Ravioli.” If Trader Joe’s sold omelettes, I swear they’d call them “Fabergé Joe’s Country Cock-tail Collages.”

In the midst of this naming madness, we get TJ’s take on Pop-Tarts: “Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries.” Not content with just naming them extravagantly, Trader Joe’s also likes to extravagantify (shut up, spellcheck) their flavors from time to time.

That’s why I’m sitting here munching a Cherry Pomegranate Frosted Toaster Pastry. Sure, Kellogg’s may be happy to go hog-wild with Maple Bacon, but I can’t imagine them touching pomegranates with a 10-foot spoon. This flavor isn’t particularly new, but since I was impressed by the last TJ’s pastry I tried, I figured it was worth highlighting another.

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14

Mar. ’16

News: Lucky Charms Wants You to Adopt a Leprechaun for St. Patrick’s Day

https://twitter.com/LuckyCharms/status/708699107045613568

For Lucky Charms, St. Patrick’s Day is pretty much Christmas. Since the entire philosophical foundation of the cereal is “magically delicious marshmallows served with a smile by a cherubic leprechaun,” it’s no surprise that the brand is doing something special for March 17th’s upcoming day of green.

Sadly, my idea for a hybrid Lucky Charms/Shamrock Shake minty beverage has been ignored once more (that’s okay, my arteries weren’t ready anyway). Instead, The goofy looking cartoon Lucky is doing an appropriately silly social media campaign.

By visiting the Adopt a Leprechaun site and tweeting #AdoptALeprechaun at Lucky Charms’ Twitter account, you, too, can become the honorary stepfather, stepmother, or maybe even step-elf to one of many leprechauns.

In return, you get a biography of your leprechaun and the chance to print a button with Lucky’s grinning mug. I still can’t tell whether this new Lucky looks more like an Adventure Time character or a Fairly Oddparents character.

As for Cerealously, at the time of this writing our adoption request is still pending. But we’ll be sure to share on our Twitter when the lil lad or lass is named.

EDIT: Here he is!

Lucky Charms isn’t the first cereal brand to offer a chance at adoption—Barbara’s Puffins have long featured a box label mail-in system for adopting endangered puffins, and we have two under our name.

If my knowledge about leprechaun biology is accurate, our soon-to-be leprechaun should be able to ride one of those puffins like the world’s most adorable Air Force pilot.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy a box of Lucky Charms, a Shamrock Shake, a blender, and a coffin for myself.

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11

Mar. ’16

Review: Post Honey Bunches of Oats Crunch O’s: Honey and Almond

IMG_1315Could it be? Do I really no longer have to waste my time mixing Honey Bunches of Oats with Honey Nut Cheerios to create my favorite FrankenCereal creation: Honey Nut Bunches of CheeriOats?

There are few cereal combos I love more than the sticky, nutty rings of Honey Nut Cheerios tag-teaming it with the crispy flakes and earthy, rich clusters of Honey Bunches of Oats. But think of the hassle it takes to prepare a bowl: I have to grab a box, pour it into a bowl, then grab another box, and pour that one too! Even Atlas couldn’t shoulder this burden.

Oh, and did I mention that I have to physically mix the two with my spoon like some antiquated pilgrim on her butter churn? C’mon, it’s the 21st century, people!

But no longer, because Post has released Honey Bunches of Oats Crunch O’s, in both Honey and Almond flavors. These cereals combine the Honey Bunches we know and love with crunchy oat ovals, thus maximizing my morning laziness.

But do the flavors of these cereals stack up to my manual concoctions?  Well churn my butter and call me Jebediah, because we’re about to find out. Continue reading →

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