Who needs Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or The Dark Knight when you can have edible cereal trilogies? After all, the “One Ring to rule them all” has nothing on the sugary loops of Frosted Cheerios. Forget “ruling:” I’d rather be drooling.
And speaking of cereal trilogies, coming soon to a pantry near you is LOVE GROWN FOODS’ new trio of kid-focused, bean-based cereals. I previewed them last week, but now it’s time to ditch the “p” and get right down to the crunchy business of reviewing.
So grab the leftover holiday casserole, buy a few cans of Busch’s, grind up some coffee, and put on a Rowan Atkinson DVD, because today is all about beans!
My soft food diet is over, and while I’m already planning my “welcome back” house party—which will feature bowls of chips, volleyball-sized lumps of Laffy Taffy, and an edible piñata—I figured I’d have one last mushy hurrah by reviewing a cereal(ish) product quite unlike any I’ve tried before.
It’s one of three mueslis (I bet “Mueslis” will be one of the names given to an obscure background alien from Star War Episode VII) from Kashi that is designed to be filled with milk at night, refrigerated, and enjoyed the next morning.
I chose this flavor not just because “Cacao Nib” sounds like he could be the Ewok copilot of Mueslis in their Extended Universe novel, but because the other two flavors, Sunflower Pepita and Cherry Cinnamon & Cardamom gave me unpleasant mental images of eating fibrous stalks and spice cabinets.
Something about unfrosted Mini-Wheats make me uncomfortable. It’s probably the thought of stuffing small hay bales down my throat that makes me irrationally itchy all over.
I mean, Mini-Wheats always resemble tiny bales of hay, but at least when they put on their sugary clown makeup I can ignore my silly phobia and blissfully suck strawberry powder from their faces.
Speaking of which, 5 minutes of frantic Google searching have revealed that, even though there are phobias for fear of the pope (papaphobia) and fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth (arachibutyrophobia), there is no named phobia for “fear of eating hay bales.” Looks like the perfect time for “Danophobia” to become a thing.
But at least Kellogg’s new line of Mini-Wheats Harvest Delights have a lacy yogurt lingerie drizzle to cover their naked, grainy bodies. But will this compliment their fruity flavors well? I bought the Cranberry flavor (I couldn’t find the Blueberry Vanilla…yet) to find out. Continue reading →
Just this week, I was melodramatically lamenting (in layman’s terms: I whined and complained) Post’s discontinuation of Honey Bunches of Oats with Chocolate Clusters some 6 years or so ago. And immediately, and I mean immediately after posting that review, Adam, a fellow cereal enthusiast, alerted me that Chocolate Honey Bunches were back, baby!
Okay, no one said “baby,” but my overexcited self certainly thought it.
I was still in skeptical disbelief (this was pretty much my version of Half-Life 3) until Adam sent me the above photo that he snapped at a Walmart. Note that the return of Chocolate Honey Bunches is now gluten-free, too. I’ve never had a gluten-less Honey Bunches, but I’m going to remain optimistic, because how can I not be optimistic after this great news?
I can barely contain my excitement! I need to go anxiously scour the globe and find myself a box. If I accidentally end this post mid-sentence, you’ll know where I
Before you even ask it, allow me to answer your first question: yes, these cereals are made from beans. And your second question: no, from my experience, it’s not as crazy as it may sound.
Either way, all you real human beans out there will soon have three fresh options to pick from for your own little kidney beans to enjoy (see what I did there?). As excitedly announced by LOVE GROWN FOODS on Facebook (maybe their name is in all caps because they’re always excited?), the latest in their string of bean cereals are Comet Crispies, Polar Puffs, and Sea Stars, and they’re kid-focused with colorful designs.
I can only imagine that the chocolatey Comet Crispies were made by none other than Pow himself. Pow, the forgotten fourth relative of Snap, Crackle, and Pop, must have grown jaded after his brothers kicked him out of the quartet back in the 1950s. So he created this alternative to Cocoa Krispies as revenge. (Note: none of this is true)
Polar Puffs have a unique blend of blueberry and vanilla flavors. Both of these are rare on cereal shelves, but seeing them both together is like seeing a polar bear stroll through Manhattan. Let’s just be glad they didn’t go with Coca-Cola flavored puffs for this one.
Look for all three navy, lentil, and garbanzo bean cereals in stores soon (you should be able to find and buy them at Kroger and its family of stores). And while they’re made to be kid-friendly, you all better believe that I’ll still be shoveling them into my hungry mouth like a bean farmer with his trowel.
But being a cereal review blogger on a soft food diet sucks harder than Starkiller Base on the energy of a sun.
While I was able to stockpile several cereal reviews before undergoing this wretched tooth surgery, at the moment my palate has been forced to gum down meal after meal of oatmeal. Don’t get me wrong, I love oatmeal, but after packet #6 it starts to feel like a beige, mushy nightmare.
However, I figured it was only fair to toss out a review of one of the oatmeal varieties I’ve tried for the first time. It’s ThinkThin Honey Peanut Butter Oatmeal. I don’t know how new it is, but I don’t actually care enough to wade through the silly string of Google searches necessary to find out.
I’d also like to add that one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to start writing some shorter reviews, so those that don’t want to wade through labyrinthian walls of parentheses and references to decades-old fruit snacks will still enjoy this site. My other New Year’s Resolution was to line up an entire package of Keebler E.L. Fudge Cookies and topple them like dominoes, but that’s beside the point.
I’ve lost count of how many years have passed since Post took my favorite HBO variety from me (6 or 7, I think, though that’s like a lifetime in cereal years). That cereal and I were meant to grow old together, Post! We were meant to retire in the countryside and call each other “honey” and “sugar” and chuckle happily.
But instead, you took it to “a farm upstate” and tried the Poochie approach of “upgrading” it into the inferior Honey Bunches of Oats Morning Energy Chocolatey Almond Crunch (note: Honey Bunches of Oats Morning Energy Chocolatey Almond Crunch died on the way back to its home planet).
Why am I telling you this story? Because after seeing Chocolate Oat Clusters, one of three new Nature Valley Cereals, I’ve been forced to relive these traumatic memories. But can this cereal overcome the shadow of its spiritual predecessor (even though they come from different companies)?
Time to wipe away my tears (which have been falling like chocolate rain) and find out.
(EDIT: For those curious, I reviewed the other flavor of Special K Nourish here!)
New hobby: going into Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods and counting the number of ways I hear “quinoa” mispronounced. It’s amazing how many different Frankenstein’s word monsters can be created with just three syllables.
But I won’t judge. After all, I’m the same guy who simply refuses to pronounce “gyro,” “ricotta,” or “gnocchi” properly out of some bizarre sense of pride.
Anyway, that was my attempt to make an interesting introduction to a cereal that sounds boring, but actually has a lot more going on than any eavesdropped Whole Foods conversation. I know what you’re thinking: “Another Special K cereal with a name that takes longer to say than it does to eat? I’ll pass.” But just hear me out. Continue reading →
Who needs Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or The Dark Knight when you can have edible cereal trilogies? After all, the “One Ring to rule them all” has nothing on the sugary loops of Frosted Cheerios. Forget “ruling:” I’d rather be drooling.
