Author Archives: dan g.

10

Dec. ’18

Rumor Mill: Fruity Lucky Charms & (Boxed) Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros Cereals!

Fruity Lucky Charms 2019

Photos via sega_retro_revival

(Update: We reviewed both!)

What does Franken Berry do for the 10.5 months of the year he isn’t slinging spooky strawberry cereal and reclining seductively in plain view of traffic?

Trading secrets with Lucky and Mario, apparently.

Thanks to tips from sega_retro_revival and cereal compatriot Gabe Fonseca on Instagram (thanks!), we now know that General Mills is at the very least testing a new Fruity Lucky Charms cereal. While the cereal hasn’t been confirmed to be hitting stores, the “not for resale” boxes sega_retro_revival received directly echo four cereals play-tested by General Mills about this time last year, all of which ended up coming out. So I think it’s safe to say that those specifically nostalgic for 2006’s Berry Lucky Charms will have something to look forward to soon.

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Posted by . Categories: News. Tags: , , . 4 Comments

09

Dec. ’18

Review: Pop-Tarts Bites (Strawberry & Brown Sugar Cinnamon!)

Kellogg's Pop-Tarts Bites Review - Strawberry & Brown Sugar Cinnamon Boxes

Understanding the pervasive appeal of Pop-Tarts Bites is easy:

Would you rather have a bite of pie, or a bite of entire pie?
A red Skittle or a concentrated rainbow pill?
The east wall of a gingerbread house, or the entire 20-acre gingerbread farm?

My point is that while any individual bite of a Pop-Tart—which maxes out at around a quarter-Tart in extreme cases, or at least in my own—cannot possibly contain the same measured deliciousness as the entirety of a Pop-Tart, as in all of the crust and everything inside, in one bite. It’s like having a party-sized pizza, which typically have contentiously hand-soiling Cheese Only slices, vs. a whole-crust-and-kaboodle Pizza Roll.

Yes, Pop-Tarts Bites are tasty enough to surpass my typically quasi-topical recipe for review introductions. These spiritual successors to Pop-Tarts Mini Crisps (née Popsters) naturally come in the toaster pastry brand’s two unshakeable pillars of flavor: Strawberry & Brown Sugar Cinnamon. The de facto Pop-Tarts royal family will begin appearing in all their shrunken glory come January, but for now, I was postally blessed via Kellogg’s with enough pouches to last me ’til Christmas (edit: Christmas Eve) (edit 2: Christmas Eve Eve).

(edit 3: I need to stop eating these)

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Posted by . Categories: Reviews. Tags: , , , , , . 8 Comments

06

Dec. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Snickerdoodle Koo-Kies! Cereal

Bay-Valley-Snickerdoodle-Kookies-Cereal

Consider this a gentle warning: no matter how much you like digging into a bowl of cinnamon sweetness, don’t bother digging deep into its origins.

Because as I’ve learned, you risk getting tangled in the strings of a merry marionette show starring corporate puppet brands, shrouded timelines, and eye-dehydrating confusion.

It all started when the above photo of Limited Edition Snickerdoodle Koo-Kies, produced by Bay Valley Foods, was tweeted to me by reader Fabo. It instantly caught my curiosity, and not just because of the bizarrely lifeless and questionably adorned box art (why does the penguin need a speech bubble and quotation marks to Regurgitate His Vapid Claim?).

See, those with a larger-than-penguin-sized memory will doubtlessly wonder how, why, and how dare this cereal exists when Millville and Aldi have already been making big headlines and waistlines with their Snickerdoodle Kookies cereal. Surely this doppelgänger, with its unheimlich hyphenation, must be about as authentic as a mall Santa, right?

Not content with all these questions, and particularly dissatisfied that I likely won’t get to try these Koo…pause for emphasis…Kies myself (they were found in a Pennsylvania Giant Foods), I took my journalistic wagon to the information super highway. Because if I can’t taste Snickerdoodle Koo-Kies, you’d better believe I’m still going to understand its genetic genesis.

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Posted by . Categories: Specials. Tags: , , . 3 Comments

04

Dec. ’18

News: Funko Pop Cap’n Crunch Returns…

(Image via Funko)

Hold your forks and pitch-horses there, friend: let’s take it easy. You’re probably justifiably wondering why I, an admitted Funko apathetic, am writing another headline about the culture collectible collective—especially not long after my (and my now-gothic digestive system’s) recent run in with their black-dyed Cuphead FunkO’s?

Well it wouldn’t be December without a countdown, so here are my favorite answers to that question:

6. Because I’m sure whatever-sized segment of my readership likes Funko—and I’m so sorry for all I’ve said and will soon say again about the Pops’ eyes—would like to know that the brand is re-releasing their earlier Target-exclusive Cap’n Crunch Funko Pop this month, with this fresh fleet of cubelike Cap’ns likely shipping in January 2019.

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Posted by . Categories: News. Tags: , . 1 Comment

29

Nov. ’18

Review: Millville Snickerdoodle Kookies Cereal

Millville Aldi Snickerdoodle Kookies Cereal Review Box

Is it time for a Cinnamon Toast Coup yet?

Loose crunchologic records suggest the crazy squared cereal’s cinnamon dynasty dates back to roughly the Byzantine era, while recent calcium dating suggests its dominance began way back in the Earth’s primordial soup, wherein the CTC clan of sugar-specked protozoa were the only ones of their kind that didn’t sog into earlier extinction.

Regardless of its origin, there’s little doubt that Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the most popular cinnamon cereal out there. And while I love CTC and its rich pedigree of powdered and breaded breakfast-stuff, I’ve long hoped for a challenger to the throne.

Because if the cinnamon spice must flow, so too must some fresh milk.

Despite Kellogg’s best efforts, they haven’t come close, while Post and Quaker’s strongest cinna-sieges are comfort classics at best. I guess it’s up to Millville, Aldi store-brand underdog and possible puppet organization, to come out of left field with a cinnamon-seasoned seasonal cereal and hopefully blow me away…from my Cinnamon Toast addiction for at least a few merry mouthfuls.

So come, Snickerdoodle Kookies, first of the S. Doodle cereal lineage: show me what you’re really made of, and don’t hold back. Continue reading →

Posted by . Categories: Reviews. Tags: , , . 8 Comments

27

Nov. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Jewel Signature Select Hot Cocoa O’s

https://www.instagram.com/p/BqqSiqyA3AP/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1vtajq7hl3p8e

You know what they say: imitation is the sincerest form of fattening.

Wait, did I get that right?

Maybe I’ve got too many sugary snacks on the brain, but after seeing @dadbodsnacks‘ latest delectable discovery, Jewel’s Signature Select Hot Cocoa O’s, I can’t help but conspiracy-theorize that these really are just Trader Joe’s Hot Cocoa O’s rebranded, as they look exactly the same, right down the chubby chiclet marshmallows.

After all, it wouldn’t even be the first case of store-branded Christmastime cereal counterfeiting we’ve seen this week. Much like how on the internet, no one knows you’re a dog, in the cereal aisle, no one truly knows if you stole your idea from a Wolf or any other average Joe.

Whether or not these Hot Cocoa O’s were birthed from T. Joe’s family jewels may never be disclosed—and since there’s no Jewel store near me, I likely won’t be able to do a direct Joe-xtaposition.

Not that I would particularly want to anyway, as those who keep up on Cerealously’s power rankings will remember I thought TJ’s Hot Cocoa O’s, with their gummy texture and weirdly chewy marbits, is probably the worst holiday cereal in recent memory. The veritable coal or Krampus of the breakfast world, it’s the direct antithesis of Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch.

And I suggest keeping the two far, far apart, lest we accidentally kick off some sort of artificially flavored armageddon.

So happy holidays from a distance, Jewel & Joe: I never thought I’d say this, but just send me fruit cake instead.

Posted by . Categories: Specials. Tags: . 3 Comments

25

Nov. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Millville Snickerdoodle Kookies Cereal

https://www.instagram.com/p/BqidYRmlsQl/

What if the Vatican City was the first country to reach the moon?

What if RC Cola proudly flowed through every soda fountain in the world?

What if Jitterbug beat Apple to the iPhone?

It’s hard to imagine the smallest underdogs in a given industry toppling the giants in terms of originality or innovation. But with the latest new holiday cereal to hit shelves, we might just see Christmas Crunch, Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch, and its fellow kings of the snow hill ho-ho-hoisted from their flaky ivory towers.

Well, maybe.

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Posted by . Categories: Specials. Tags: . 2 Comments

22

Nov. ’18

The Empty Bowl Episode 5: A Different Kind of Monster Cereal

Happy Thanksgiving!

What better holiday to listen to a relaxing cereal podcast than the one dedicated to filling every gastrointestinal crevasse with carbs and assorted birds before torpedoing into the couch ’til the leftover green bean casserole beckons us to start the cycle anew?

If you’re ready for some post-stuffing cereal stuff, stuff your ears with the latest episode of The Empty Bowl! On this show, my ever-tranquil co-host Justin and I turkey trot through all of this fall’s winter-wishlist-length cereal news stories, ponder the construction of Cocoa Puffs with Marshmallows, and do a nostalgic throwback to some of our favorite dearly departed and discontinued cereals.

While you wait for the tryptophan to kick in, you can support and subscribe to the show here, and follow T.E.B. on Twitter here. Every retweet and cent is deeply appreciated, so our cereal mantras can echo farther across the Cocoa Puff-shaped globe.

Speaking of gratitude, I’m so thankful for everyone who reads this site, listens to our podcast, or interacts with Cerealously on social media. I’ve said it countless times, but the warm reception each article and episode gets is what keeps me doing this. So eat an extra dinner roll or bowl of Thanksgivingish cereal for me, and to paraphrase Justin:

Don’t forget to drink the gravy.

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