Author Archives: dan g.

News: Cap’n Crunch’s Beach Bash Crunch is Coming Soon (Plus Bonus Crunch Rumors!)

Cap’n Crunch is the Mario of the cereal world.

Aside from the killer ‘stache and symbolic embodiment of an undying imaginative childhood, Horatio Magellan Crunch and Italy’s most esteemed septic specialist also share a knack for character versatility.

Where Mario has appeared in basketball games, parties, races, hotels, and even famous disappearances, the Cap’n has likewise found himself playing sports, slinging ice cream, and even infamously disappearing.

And now, until we get the Cap’n Crunch Kart video game the world deserves—power-ups will naturally include Soggies that turn the track squishy—ol’ H. M. Crunch is hitting the beach. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cap'n crunch, quaker. Leave a comment

Apr. ’18

News: Pop-Tarts Mash Ups are Coming Soon!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BhO-va6F_a4/?taken-by=junkbanter

Bless you, Dr. Frankenstein.

The chaotic good doctor’s contributions to science may be questionable—he couldn’t even splice “fear of fire” out of his tragic monster: rookie mistake!—but his impact on the breakfast world should not be understated. Aside from giving us the fruity phenomena that is Franken Berry, I like to think ol’ Francis Stein (an ancestor of R.L. Stein, I’ll assume) also normalized the “frankensteining,” mixing-up, swirling, world-colliding, or otherwise mashing up of different foodstuffs into an impressively alien whole.

Famous examples include turkey + duck + chicken, cheese popcorn + caramel popcorn, and of course, purple + ketchup.

And now, these new Pop-Tarts Mash Ups, unveiled by old blogging friend and snackin’ superstar Junk Banter. A clear, and clearly much-needed, reboot of 2007’s Pop-Tarts Splitz, which included pairings of two flavors—Chocolate Strawberry, Chocolate Vanilla, and Strawberry Blueberry—split and splice down the center of a single Pop-Tart, a sensation that looked downright radical in person.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BhPeE7hFYKH/?taken-by=junkbanter

2018’s remixed mix-ups are far more exciting, because one half of each Franken-Tart contains a wholly never-before-tasted Pop-Tart: cult classic Sugar Cookie is paired with Brownie Batter, while straight-up classic Strawberry is joined by Cheesecake.

I expect the first Mash Up to taste like fudgier Chocolate Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts, and I expect the second to be tasty enough to turn my toaster into a literal Cheesecake Factory.

No word on when these will hit shelves yet, but I do know one thing for sure: keep an eye on my Etsy shop, because as soon as I snag boxes of Pop-Tarts Mash Ups, I’m sewing a Brownie Batter half to a Cheesecake half and blowing all of your minds.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: kelloggs, pop-tarts. 1 Comment

Apr. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Cap’n Crunch’s Soccer Crunch

(Photo via hollywooderik on eBay)

Fill another World Cup of joe, and get ready to fill your World Bowl with tri-colored Crunchberries, because Cap’n Crunch’s Soccer Crunch, first seen in 2010, is alive and kicking again.

Spotted by Oreo Hunters on Instagram then uncovered in an eBay auction, 2018’s re-release of Soccer Crunch trades the original’s Cap’n Crunch with red and blue ‘Berries into a strictly faux-fruity affair.

Now that we’ve got our daily serving of imaginary fruit, can we get some Crunchbroccoli?

Cereal scholars will notice that these reskinned Crunchberries are even less original than they seem. It looks like the cereal pieces from Freedom Crunch, an unreleased concept cereal that hit only the selectest of select markets last summer, have found a new team in this sports-themed variant.

In short, the athletic modern Crunch trilogy of HomeRun and TouchDown Crunch is now complete, and I’ll have to find another creative way to review the same cereal I’ve eaten 100 times.

Now that’s a lofty GOOOOOOOAAAALLLL!

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cap'n crunch, quaker. 2 Comments

Apr. ’18

Review: Honey Oh’s Cereal

To paraphrase Heath Ledger’s Joker: “Release a new cereal, and no one panics. Tweak the recipe of an old cereal, and everyone loses their minds!”

Yes, these past couple years have seen a mass vocalization of irritated cereal fans, many of which seem to think teh very fabric of their remembered childhood is under attack by greedy, scheming cereal companies who are corrupting their favorite breakfasts and effectively erasing their personal history in the process.

While some cereal formula changes may be done to save cash, some, like Honeycomb and Trix, have merely been misguided attempts to make cereals all natural—which companies think consumers want. And though diehard fans shut down those last two changes with cries of “the naturalness of my cereal is none of your beeswax!” and “silly General Mills, Trix are for artificial colors more technicolored than Joseph’s dreamcoat!” other cereals, like Alpha-Bits and now Honey Oh’s remain metamorphosed into something new altogether.

This is all to say that cereal companies should probably keep their Tony-sized paws off the classics, and consumers should probably be more clear about what the heck they want out of their morning meals. But while that debate will doubtlessly roll on until my comments section is quarantined by the CDC, I finally found these newly formulated Honey Oh’s for review.

Formerly known as “Honey Graham Oh’s” or “Honey Graham Oh My Goodness They’re So Good But Leave My Mouth Torn To Shred’s,” these new rings dared to remove graham from one my own favorite cereals. I’ll remain un-opinionated until I try them, but there is one thing I’ll say for sure: Post better have shipped their leftover graham flour to the Teddy Grahams factory. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, honey, post. 14 Comments

Mar. ’18

News: Funko Pop Cereals Coming Soon!

It’s a dream—err, perhaps a nightmare on Elm Street—come true!

Funko, the maker of those ubiquitous Pop toys who have immortalized nearly every influential pop culture character from Count Chocula to Cap’n Crunch (and a bunch of other non-cereal ones, I guess) in chibi plastic action figure/doll/toy/collectible form, are now entering the cereal game.

Can’t wait to find a shipping container’s worth of them on clearance at FYE next year. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: news. 2 Comments

Mar. ’18

Review: Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts (2018)

Snack to the future!

Unless you’ve been living under a Fraggle Rock, you’ve probably noticed that food and beverage companies are capitalizing on America’s recent wave of nostalgia—a yearning for the ’80s, ’90s, and in the case of Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts, even the early 2000s—brought on by the cruel world we live in now that’s so nonsensical it would nominate Boss Baby for an Oscar.

Yes, from Crystal Pepsi and Oreo O’s to Ecto-Cooler and Chicken Fries, Big Foodstuff has been throwbacking so hard the chiropractic industry has been thriving. The only thing missing now is Planters PB Crisps, the last two pieces of which have been spotted dangling from the back of Mr. Peanut’s Silverado.

And while all those wacky retro fonts and radical blurbs of pandering marketing copy are starting to get old, I support this snack-studded nostalgia trip if it means I keep getting to taste revived old Pop-Tarts like Vanilla Milkshake. Originally released in 2008, Vanilla Milkshake recently re-debuted alongside Strawberry Milkshake, and thanks to my region’s award-winningly slow-to-stock-new-things Walmarts (where Vanilla Milkshake is an exclusive flavor), I only finally found them this week.

So while a budding lactose intolerance keeps me from enjoying real vanilla milkshakes (almond milk, ftw), now I can live vicariously through these frosted ravioli. And yes, that’s the last time I’ll ever make a “Pop-Tarts are ravioli” joke. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, kelloggs, pop-tarts, vanilla. 2 Comments

Mar. ’18

News: Ready Player One Retro Pops & Five Nights at Freddy’s Nightmare Puffs

https://www.instagram.com/p/BgZMuaYDsDL/?hl=en&taken-by=cerealkillercafe

I no longer identify with the gamer ethos of Ready, Player One. Despite my formative days as a Nintendo fiend, my meeker modern day video game exploits toggle between “remembering how great Kirby is” and “casually trying to bring back Words With Friends to try reliving the emotional high of once playing JUICED on a quadruple word score.”

Yet I support the geek-bending film because it has its own cereal—albeit a very exclusive one. Limited to 200 boxes at the U.K.’s Cereal Killer Cafe, Retro Pops are bound to be harder to find than an SNES Mini.

Since I’m an ocean apart from these colorful Pops, I’ll stick to complaining in America until a movie wants to make a cereal with me. The Shape of Watermelon Oat Flakes? Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: news. 1 Comment

Mar. ’18

Review: Kellogg’s Unicorn Cereal with Magic Cupcake Flavor!

Happy Mythological Creatures Day!

What? It’s not fair that the leprechaun gets all the attention on St. Patrick’s Day. People are turning rivers green, eating their weight in pickled cabbage, and drinking enough specialty beverages to leave them dazed (I’m talking post-Shamrock Shake sugar crashes, of course). For a day so absurd by definition, I don’t want to constrain my cryptid celebration to a mischievous little green gnome.

I want Mothman fly-overs with the Blue Angels. I want Chupacabra parades so large the price of goat will skyrocket. I want statues erected to honor Uncle O’Grimacey. And I want to scarf down Kellogg’s new Unicorn Cereal, which has finally hit American shelves after gracing international ones as Unicorn Froot Loops for nearly a year now.

Why Kellogg’s decided to drop “Froot Loops” from the title, I don’t know—maybe Toucan Sam won the copyright battle, claiming the unicorn’s horn is too similar to his beak—but if it means seeing a fresh equine face in the cereal aisle, I’m all for it.

Because where else could people eat unicorns and rainbows for breakfast? No-*cough*literallyrighthere*cough*-where! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, kelloggs. 6 Comments