News: Chex Quest HD Will Be Free-To-Play on Steam This Summer!

If you showed the above image to a young me, two decades ago, I would rocket out of the Garfield library book (you know the ones) I had my nose buried lasagna-deep in and call dibs on playing as the Wheat Chex Warrior.

Yes, this has been an extradimensionally surreal week for me and millio—err, thousands…well, maybe just dozens of diehard Chex Quest fans like me. At the ripe, but far from stale, age of 24, the Chex Quest franchise has a bizarre history that spans imagination and risked litigation. If you aren’t familiar with the origin story that’s brought us to this post, I highly recommend reading my previous two articles on the game: a full history of the original trilogy, and a teaser-debuting interview with Charles Jacobi, who art directed the original Chex Quest, lovingly made Chex Quest 3, and is now helming Chex Quest HD production.

But in short, here’s a bullet-pointed breakdown: Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: chex, chex quest, general mills, news. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

News: Frosted Flakes with Tony-Inspired Marshmallows!

Are we entering another renaissance of sugar sculpting?

Ever since the esteemed Marshelangallow crafted an anatomically accurate, marbled marbit miniature of the Statue of David, sacred cereal marshmallow geometry has only been going downhill. More cereals than ever may be phoning it in with simple, circular or cylindrical white marbits, but with new Tony-Inspired Marshmallows coming to Frosted Flakes, Kellogg’s may be chiseling in an enlightening new era for the craft—especially coming hot off the tail of chick & bunny ‘mallows in Peeps Cereal.

Here’s my theory: hearing our jeers toward their recent uninspired sugar ring cereals, Kellogg’s figured the next best way to cheaply add variety to familiar favorites would be to churn out a fresh menagerie of eye-catching marshmallows (while still using as few colors as possible). Now I’m not saying Tony’s new marbits are terribly impressive in a technical sense, but hopefully they’re squishy stepping stones to sucrose something-or-others with higher definition and articulation.

I need marshmallow gloves for my marshmallow action figure! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: frosted flakes, kellogg's. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

News: Minions Vanilla Cake Cereal

No.

Uh-uh.

Absolutely not.

We just…can’t…keep…doing this.

I mean, how many times in this past year have I been forced to fluff up otherwise tepid blog posts about blandly flavored vanilla and/or birthday cake products that likewise taste like coagulated marshmallow fluff? Worse yet, how many times over the course of the last decade have I been compelled to write about the Minions franchise as if it isn’t the worst thing to happen to Facebook memes since the birth of JPEG compression?

What we have here is a perfect storm: a new corn-based Minions Cereal, with unimaginative marshmallows and a flavor that makes no sense for its licensed property. Vanilla Cake Minions Cereal, releasing to promote The Rise of Gru movie, is particularly tragic because there has been an actual good and creative Minions Cereal before! No, not that one, but the original Minions Banana Berry Cereal, a uniquely tropical blend of flavors that not only did justice to these pitiable creatures’ favorite fruit but also called to mind the long-extinct likes of Urkel O’s.

Aside from this poignant loss of potential, I have nothing much to say about this Vanilla Cake Minions Cereal, first reported on by Cereal Life. Maybe, just maybe, it will have some potential to bring intrigue to this world when stale, discarded half-boxes of the stuff mutates in toxic sewer ooze with similarly chucked-away bags of Baby Shark Cereal, producing a toothsome Twinkie-shaped cereal leviathan that will stymie local vigilantes for decades. Maybe.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, movie cereals, news. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

Review: Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts Bites

Mainstays, icons, the A team: every brand’s got ’em, whether they’re flavors or sub-brands.

For Quaker cereal it’s Cap’n Crunch (and maybe Life). General Mills has Cheerios, Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch to do the bulk of its flavor licensing work. Post’s are arguably Honey Bunches and Pebbles, which is, itself, a two-faced Janus of Fruity & Cocoa. Likewise, Kellogg’s translates to Frosted Flakes and Froot Loops, plus Pop-Tarts, too.

As above, so below. If brand-level marketing has to tick certain option boxes, so too should a peripheral Pop-Tarts product have to do justice to what I’m calling The Big Four. Pop-Tarts’ finest. We got the higher ups in Bites form, as well as Chocolatey Fudge—which is a quasi-quintessential Pop-Tarts variety alongside Cookies & Creme.

But we’ve heard nothing about #3 & #4, S’Mores & Wild Berry. They complete this sacred quartet by further balancing rich and fruity sweetness.

No, instead of going with a proper, albeit unberried, wild card flavor like Hot Fudge Sundae or a Gone Nutty! variety, we got Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts Bites. Well, now it’s just Confetti Cake. Whether this was meant to be a symbolic instance of macro- vs. microcosm or not, one thing’s for certain: Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts were never that good to begin with. Certainly not Bites material. Heck, If I wanted a handful of bite-sized compound sugar bombs, I’d spread Cool Whip between some Frosted Animal Cookies.

But I’ve whined enough. I’ll pop open a pouch with an open mind, and give these angel-cake devils their due.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: kellogg's, non cereal, pop-tarts. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

Review: Kellogg’s JUMBO SNAX (Corn Pops, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops & Apple Jacks!)

Kellogg's JUMBO SNAX Review Snackable Cereal

Yes, pictured are the complete contents of one of each JUMBO SNAX 0.45oz pouch.

Look out, Frosted Honey Bunches of Oats—you’ve got an usurper approaching your throne of supreme cereal unnecessity. If you thought “Honey Bunches with 66% rather than 33% of its constituent components glazed in sugar” was silly, meet Kellogg’s JUMBO SNAX: four classic cereals enlarged so they’re…more…snackable?

Ah yes, of all the issues plaguing breakfast cereal, my main concern is that the darn stuff keeps slipping through the sieve of sausages I call fingers. I can’t tell you how many thriving ecosystems of microorganisms I’ve nourished beneath stadium bleachers where lost Loops go to be resorbed by Earth’s foundations.

But sorry, mosses who’ve evolved to masticate: no more free rides! This boy has enough JUMBO SNAX pouches to strap a bandolier with Jacked-Up Jacks and Weapons-Grade Caramel Corn.

So now that I’ll have no trouble doing so, let’s articulate the nuances of each variety. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: apple jacks, caramel, corn pops, froot loops, frosted flakes, kellogg's. 3 Comments

Apr. ’20

The Empty Bowl Episodes Twenty-Seven Through Twenty-Nine: The Cereal Caretakers

Fitting time for a meditative cereal podcast, no?

Despite having more time for mindless sugar-munchin’ than ever, I’ll admit it’s been a bit tough for me to focus on bloggerly duties—especially as quarantine’s made it difficult to stake out and take in new products from the supermarket. Likewise, I’ve apparently forgotten to share the debut of The Empty Bowl’s latest three episodes. So if you’re one of likely few-to-none who wait for me to post here before listening, I’m sorry for needlessly withholding these 90+ minutes of cumulatively calming content.

But the milky-silver lining here is that now you can listen to me and Justin delicately describe new breakfast happenings for the duration of a feature-length film. You’re even welcome to visualize the experience with an in-bowl diorama of your own—I call being an Oreo O!

In our newest episode, we explore the nuances promised by Kellogg’s JUMBO SNAX, say dozens and dozens of words about Peeps, and peel back the foil on decades of toasted oddities.

If you find yourself with just a few more hours to fill with something Empty, you can find more episodes at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but I’d rather read them than eat a forty-year-old preserved pizza pastry.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: empty bowl. 2 Comments

Mar. ’20

Review: Froot Loops Peeps Pop + Pancakes & Syrup

It’s a product no one asked for.

A product no one could’ve imagined.

Heck, a product whose name no one but that shell-peddling West Coast Sally could even pronounce.

Froot Loops Peeps Pops [repeat x4].

Now, I’m not saying cereal-flavored Peeps are a bad idea—such a thing has been rumored for a good while now. But I’m also not saying that Peeps are a good idea. Like, at all. I’m not repulsed by the things like a lot of, ugh, my peeps, but you’d be marshmallowy-soft-pressed to find me eating more than one and a half of the things at a time, as the latter chomped chick hindquarters slowly caulks my mouth closed. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: easter, froot loops, kellogg's, non cereao. Leave a comment

Mar. ’20

News: Kellogg’s JUMBO SNAX Cereal Snacks

Ever love the palate-shredding power of coarsely serrated grain so much that you wish you could just swing a full medieval mace of the stuff at your mouth’s roof, instead of chewing a few dozen caltrops?

Well boy, do the makers of Morningstar have a product for you!

Despite the threat to inter-oral integrity they may pose for eager eaters, Kellogg’s new JUMBO SNAX form an exciting quartet of familiar cereal flavors enlarged to both show and taste texture. Arriving this May, these cereal snacks will come in both individual, 0.45oz packets and big honkin’ resealable 6oz suckers. With this, Kellogg’s becomes the third Big Cereal company to sell Big Cereal, paving the way for Post to close the circle with what I can only assume will be called ” Oreo OMG’s.”

But let’s talk about the four Kellogg’s JUMBO SNAX soon to be available. Of these, Froot Loops and Apple Jacks seem the most straightforward in their adaptation of ancestral cereal sizing. Though it seems interesting that there are no green loops present on the Apple Jacks’ packaging, which, if that holds true for the crunchy hula hoops inside, we may be getting a limited palette of Froot-by-the-Foot-sized Loops, too.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: apple jacks, corn pops, froot loops, frosted flakes, kellogg's, news. Leave a comment