For yet another boring Crunch Berry palette swap, this is still a juicy development for the Cap’n.
Close followers of Crunchian lore will remember a certain Freedom Crunch, a hyper-patriotic Cap’n variant that I discovered last summer and later redacted, after hearing from Cap’n Crunch that it was never actually produced. But then, I received word from Minnesota that the cereal demonstrably did reach at least one very select market (ironic for a nationally branded cereal). The truth of Freedom Crunch’s purgatorial existence has never been revealed—but hey, the stuff even has an officially licensed shirt! Continue reading →
Whether your stomach’s half full or half empty, there’s always more room to fill it with full-filling cupcakes. But if you’d rather circumvent common cupped and caked frustrations (why are my hands so oily? where do I put this damp, crumb-covered liner? why have we as a culture recognized Funfetti’s flavorlessly sweetened sovereignty?), then there are about to be two new and newly returned Pop-Tarts that’ll make your morning dessert a little less messy. Continue reading →
The Trix Rabbit starts moonlighting, doing Easter photoshoots at Michaels.
Sonny directs an autobiopic, starring Jack Nicholson, about his frequent, Cocoa Puff-inspired escapes from various insane asylums.
And Cap’n Crunch, of course, continues his storied 3000-year legacy as an immortal cereal centurion, subsisting solely on the blood of rejected unicorns harvested from the dumpster behind a Kellogg’s factory.
Yes, aging doesn’t pair with cereal quite as well as milk—my stomach is no longer lined with Nintendium, and The Weather Channel’s Saturday morning lineup isn’t quite as compelling. But Magic Spoon Cereal is out to change that: with flashy packaging and four flavors inspired by classic sweet stuff, this new cereal startup prides itself on having more protein and fewer carbs than mainstream cereals, with keto friendliness and no grains or gluten.
Now all who have seen what I’mcapable of on this blog know that my only dietary restriction is my imagination (and, uh, lactose), so it wasn’t the healthy promises that drew me to these cereals. It was the eye-popping box colors that pretty accurately reflect my day-to-day wardrobe’s palette, plus the fact that people are apparently getting served ads for this stuff after visiting my site.
I’m honored to be a worthy track-factor for global cereal lovers, and I’m thankful to the folks behind Magic Spoon Cereal for sending me a full variety pack for review. So stuff your face with buckwheat and calzones while you can, because where we’re going, we won’t need grains.
If wearing the milky dregs of a breakfast’s worth of Cinnamon Toast Crunch as a mustache isn’t enough of a cereal fashion statement to you, you’re in luck.
Launching today in Kith flagship stores and tomorrow in Tokyo locations, Cinnamon Toast Kith is the latest in a long line of licensed partnerships for the streetwear brand. Heck, in 2016 Cap’n Crunch did the same thing.
There are plenty of apparel and accessories in the line, but what really drew my interest was more edible than a purple bathrobe:
Cinnamon Toast Kith itself. A custom-branded box bears a not-so-groundbreaking medley of Chocolate nd Cinnamon Toast Crunch squares, plus CTC Churros to boot. While I would have been probably drawn to shell out for one if CTK tasted like molasses-slathered wallet lining, I’d imagine this unique pairing ot chocolate and cinnamon + noodly and normal textures still forms an interesting mouth climate.
You can learn more about Cinnamon Toast Kith (I’ve almost written Kix, a delicious Freudian slip, several times) here. And if you have a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Kith, or the ice cream x cereal treats they’re serving in store, tweet us a pic at @cerealouslynet.
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Pizookie tops a buttery sugar cookie with vanilla ice cream and cinnamon sugar. No word on whether this will naturally evolve into a Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch seasonal variant (but it should!).
The pizookie, a pizza-shaped cookie, is a dangerous concept, for it implies the existence of cookie-shaped pizzas, an impulse dinne-ssert hybrid I would gladly dunk by the dozen into a mug-full of marinara before slam dunking my noggin into the nearest plush throw pillow.
And BJ’s, a national restaurant chain of 200+ locations, isn’t tempering my snack-splicing temptations. The latest in their line of deep and decadently dished cookie-pies is the Cinnamon Toast Crunch Pizookie. I’ll admit I dropped the ball on bringing you this news in a timely fashion—the CTC PZ actually released early this March, but I’ll claim justifiable ignorance, since the nearest BJ’s location to me is more than half a Mitten State away.
But today’s perhaps a better day than any for a penitent pizookie post, because it’s apparently National Free Pizookie Day (so practically Easter 2), and BJ’s is giving away free pizookies with any purchase of $9.95 or more. This of course means you can double-fist some savory ‘za in one hand and a sloppily spicy-sweet handful of swirled cinnamon in the other. Just don’t let any anchovies flop into the ice cream.
If this post inspires even one person to brighten their Hump Day with a tall lump of cinnamon-sprinkled vanilla bean, then my whole week will have been worth it. So go forth, fellow pizookers: go forth and be free (with any purchase of $9.95 or more).
I have a theory: Chex and Cheerios are both ethereally and cereally soul bonded.
See, every flavored variant of normal Chex has a direct flavor analogue in the Cheerios canon. Blueberry and Blueberry. Chocolate and Chocolate. Cinnamon and Oat Crunch. Vanilla and Frosted. Honey Nut and You Know What. I can only assume this portal between worlds was torn asunder by Fred Chexter, the protagonist of Chex Quest whose Zorching weapons are capable of interdimensional rifting.
The universe is all about balance. Land and sea. Sun and moon. Muffin tops and bottoms. That’s why the next logical, equalizing step for FYE after making a picturesquely peaceful Bob Ross cereal would have to be something both revolting and soul-squirming.
Perhaps forged from society’s collective reaction to Maple Bacon Donut Cereal, Garbage Pail Kids Cereal will bring upchuck-inspired marbits to enjoy in your kitchen, bathroom, or vomitorium.
As always, FYE is known for releasing $10+ collectible cereals like these, boasting pop cultural icons and generally generically flavored cereals that make better curio cabinet staples than pantry stockers. Garbage Pail Kids Cereal changes the typical oat-ringed equation slightly, swapping in “Crazy” rosy rice crisps. And for all the initial gross-out power the barf-bit marshmallows bring, there’s no indication that they’re anything more than colored sugar cylinders.
Guess they couldn’t reach the folks at Bertie Botts in time.
And in true GBK fashion, there are trading cards inside, as well. I’m not much of a fan of the series itself, but as long as this line has nothing to do with the uncanny creepiness of the Garbage Pail Kids movie (click with caution), I’m content condoning this cereal—mostly for its historical value as the first, and hopefully last, cereal themed after human bodily fluids.
Now I can safely shelf my idea for a Superman ice cream-colored cereal themed after the four humours.
Somewhere high above Earth, heavenly bodies are gambling with our breakfast. Once or twice a year, the Raisin Bran sun, with his soul-melting smile, rolls dice using his twin scoops of divine electromagnetic balance to determine what the next Kellogg’s Raisin Bran cereal flavor will be.
It’s true that ol’ Helios’ has had a mixed bag of cereal success stories, with most RB & Co. variants failing to outshine the legacy of unadulterated Raisin Bran Crunch. But Kellogg’s latest round of raisin-ed roulette feels a lot safer—and more promising—than previous iterations. It’s Vanilla Almond, and its closest limited edition kin is probably 2012’s post-sleeper hit Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran.
Granted, Vanilla Almond already has a leg up on Cinnamon Almond by the simple inclusion of Crunch. Since the cereal’s scattered with almond slivers, my guess is that the vanilla will be infused into the granola clusters, which would be a clever complement to the honey already binding the sweetly sticky oats within.
No word on exactly when this cereal will drop, nor when a higher resolution box render will be available. But until this scoopin’ cereal sharpens up its act, I’d recommend all ‘nanner fans stock up on Raisin Bran with Bananas, as it’s likely to be sunsetted to give rise to this new nutty dawn. If you happen to know more about Vanilla Almond Raisin Bran Crunch, or any upcoming cereal, you can visit our Submissions page to share.
