Growing up, I never ate Kix.

Sure, I ate plenty of knuckle sandwiches, but thankfully my school bullies were usually too stout for their ham-thighed roundhouses to reach my molars.

Oh, and I never ate Kix cereal, either. Why? Because in a sea of colorful boxes and bug-eyed cartoon sirens staring down at me, it was hard to justify choosing…lightly flavored corn puffs for my weekly breakfasts—especially with the phonetically similar and superiorly fruit-shaped Trix just a hop, skip and a fist-pump away.

Now years later, the typically un-personified Kix brand is now fronted by Paw Patrol, a show apparently beloved by today’s young’ns. I don’t know what the show is about, so I’m just going to tell myself it involves a canine Village People cover band.

Thankfully, General Mills sent me a couple boxes of the stuff, in both Honey and Berry Berry. So while I wait for some of this and next year’s exciting cereals to arrive, I figured I’d do some dark timeline-traveling and relive the childhood I’m probably glad I never had.

Honey Kix Cereal Review

Kix-ing it off with Honey Kix, it’s immediately clear that my early trepidation was correct, despite my general pre-pubescent stupidity—yes, I called my 4th grade teacher Mom once. Get over it.

See, this stuff is pretty ruff around the edges, both literally and flavorfully. Its non-descript, sandy spheres are practically weightless, yet still a bit abrasive. And the special Paw Patrol shield pieces—even though they look more like Yugi’s Millennium Puzzle—don’t work any geometric magic like Reese’s Puffs shaped fun.

No, instead Honey Kix tastes primarily like corn. Regular readers and cereal fans alike know that corn flour is often justifiably demonized in the breakfast aisle. While it can be used right, more often it is a Monster-killer and a Cookie-crumbler, used to cheaply replace more neutral and hearty flours like oat or rice.

So while Honey Kix tastes about 90% overcooked golden cornmeal (i.e. grown in the Bland of Plenty), and while it gums up your teeth like Hubba Bubba brand popcorn hulls, there is a slight sticky sweetness on each. It’s too faint to be impactful, but occasionally the humble chewer is given a glimpse at what could have been: a pleasant, airily floral honey glaze, one that has been exorcised from these round husks like the soon-to-be ghosts of our world’s bee population.

Milk helps a little, but even when its glaze is emulsified, Honey Kix doesn’t even reach the level of honey sweetness of my once-beloved Fiber One Honey Squares, a cereal that was also widely hated, but loved by me for its unparalleled ability to give me 100% of my daily recommended value of honey-tinged fiber in just one bowl.

The Bottom Line: 4.5 cornu-nope-ias out of 10

Berry Berry Kix Review

Guess they should’ve called the other one Honey Honey Kix, because the double burst of fruit in Berry Berry Kix makes it far more bearable, and at times even pleasant.

Still predominantly corny, Berry² Kix nevertheless have a multi-nostalgic coating of vaguely tropical mixed berry. Like a mix of Trix, Scooby-Doo Fruit Snacks, and even a touch of Neopets Islandberry Crunch, it’s a motley medley of ambiguous artificial fruit that, while I’d still never pick it over any of its analogue products—fruit snacks in milk would still be better—Berry Berry Kix does a much better job of making a modestly sweet, yet wholesome cereal than Honey.

Milk is a must, too, making Berry Berry Kix more smoothie-like, which is good, because you have to practically suck it down like a Jamba-jiving mallrat teen before it goes soggier than a mall cop’s chili fries.

I hope the Paw Patrol police pooch doesn’t have a Segway, or I’ll be catching motorized revenge for that one—assuming I fall below brisk walking speed.

The Bottom Line: 6 soggy Shaggies out of 10

So overall, while I likely won’t buy Kix again until the inevitable release of Children of the Corn X: Still Shuckin’, Berry Berry is still a good low-sugar cereal for JIF-conscious choosy moms. As for Honey? I can see it appealing to a choice few—especially those disappointed by Alpha-Bits’ recent recipe change, as it reminds me of a slightly less crunchy version of the old formula.

Thanks again to General Mills for sharing: let me know if the Paw Patrol pups ever want to do a crossover with my own fan fiction characters: the Cereal Chinchilla Corps.