Author Archives: dan g.

18

Aug. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Unicorn Power Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts!

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bmlc3VnhRCr/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=dkbxzjgf7acg

Some cryptids have all the fun.

Unicorns get everything from cereal and Frappuccinos to bath bombs and top-tier piñatas, while Bigfoot and Nessie bat clean-up witha solid cult following and a great Napoleon Dynamite cameo.

Yet I’ve never once seen a Mothman Cereal–let alone Chupacabra Frappuccinos. That’s what makes @junkfoodgoat‘s discovery of new Unicorn Power Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts at Sam’s Club all the more bittersweet. Because while I can’t wait to munch into some Lisa Frank-style toaster pastries, I wish there was at least a Michigan Dog Man Toaster Strudel to compete with.

Sadly, the Pop-Tarts do appear to be only Cherry flavored, as opposed to Kellogg’s “Magical Cupcake” cereal that appears to bear nearly the same unicorn design.

Maybe the scarlet cherry filling is actually immortal blood?

Thanks again to Junk Food Goat for sharing. Apparently this variety will also be out in smaller boxes as “Sparkle-licious Cherry.” Once I do find a box of my own, I’ll be sure to dunk them in Red Bull to make Pegasus Pop-Tarts.

Posted by . Categories: Specials. Tags: , , . 2 Comments

16

Aug. ’18

Review: Nature’s Path Golden Turmeric Cereal

Nature's Path Golden Turmeric Cereal Review Box

I only know three things about turmeric:

1. It reminds me of elementary school (and two days ago) Neopets favorite Turmac Roll.

2. It’s in a lot of hip dishes that a man of my economic stature has no business even observing through any organ from the sinuses down.

3. My mom once bought a full bottle of it, and after realizing she didn’t know what to do with it, left it to hibernate for years behind the expired taco seasoning packets, like an auburn hermit.

And I guess I also know that Nature’s Path’s Golden Turmeric cereal is the first cereal of its kind. Combining thick, Tostitos Scoops-shaped flakes with turmeric, honey, cinnamon, and flakes of coconut, this smorgasbord of snappy spice promises to educate my palate like a benevolent Gordon Ramsay fresh out of the convent.

So without further ado, let’s see whether sugar, spice, and everything nice play nice here.

Continue reading →

Posted by . Categories: Reviews. Tags: , , , . 13 Comments

13

Aug. ’18

Insta-Review: Weird Beard Candle Company Saturday Morning Cartoons Air Fresheners

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bmb5TnInkQc/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=pe306vrpbk91

Sometimes I get more new products than my only-human schedule can handle. As much as I wish slingin’ snappy cereal soliloquies could be my full-time job, there aren’t always enough hours of the day to spew 600+ words about why a brick of shredded wheat reminds me of summer camp.

In those events, I’m happy to still say a few words on social media and amplify it here. Such is the case with Weird Beard Candle Company’s Saturday Morning Cartoons I & II air fresheners.

Peep the post embedded above for my thoughts, but suffice to say I liked these a lot more than the last cereal air freshener I got. While that spicy square is still spurting powderized fire inside my glove compartment, WBCC’s Froot Loops-themed nose flavor is keeping my nostrils youthful through every roundabout, while the sniffable Cap’n variety is keeping my kitchen whimsical.

I look forward to seeing how its odor interacts with a simmering pot roast’s. Thanks again to Weird Beard Candle Company!

The Bottom Line (I): 8 sedan-driving toucans out of 10

The Bottom Line (II): 8.5 Crunchatized timeshares out of 10

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10

Aug. ’18

Rumor Mill: Pop-Tarts Crunch Revival!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BmRuQBdgnup/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1spb0t5sz86l5

Finally: a nostalgic reboot that’s got me hopeful again.

From French Milquetoast Crunch to Oreo Oh…s, the cereal industry’s recent revivals of straight-off-the-BuzzFeed-list cult classic morning munchies have all been good, but they lose their luster when compared to the originals. So like every Ghost of a Buster or CGI’d Rugrat, I’ve started viewing cereal remakes with trepidation, guarding my fond memories like a stash of pre-Y2K canned goods.

(I’ll let you all into my bunker if you remember to bring the milk.)

Continue reading →

Posted by . Categories: Specials. Tags: , . 5 Comments

07

Aug. ’18

Review: Kashi by Kids Cocoa Crisp Cereal

Kashi by Kids Cocoa Crisp Cereal Review Box

Beans have grown too powerful.

What started as a jovial musical fruit has now convinced all of society that it’s cool, and its positive public opinion rises with every pet name given, Starbucks opened, and Rowan Atkinson’d.

The collective legume’s luster has even bloomed into cereal, like Kashi By Kids’ new, trilogy-completing flavor: Coco Crisp. It’s not the first of its kind to be made out of bean ingredients, in Kashi’s case chickpea flour (which is leeching popularity off chicks and peas), but Cocoa Crisp promises a bold pairing of chocolate pucks and chocolate-stuffed chocolate-flavored pillows.

This sounds like one worth having a spoonful of peanut butter on hand for, but since I forgot to buy more peanut butter, I’ll just dive in with two spoons instead. Continue reading →

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05

Aug. ’18

News: Kellogg’s Halloween Cereals are Getting a Monstrous Marshmallow Upgrade!

Someone call Wilmer Valderrama, because this is a Yo Momma-worthy rivalry in the breakfast world.

See, I don’t think Kellogg’s timely decision to turn their 3 flagship spookily spoonable flavors—Froot Loops, Apple Jacks, and Chocolate Frosted Flakes, all with (formerly skeletal) marshmallows—into awesomely characterized, diversely ‘mallowed jack-o’-lantern glow-upped versions of themselves was a mere aimless gesture.

Between the conveniently bat, Frankenstein, and ghost-shaped marshmallows and the doubtfully accidental pairing of werewolf and mummy costumes, this feels like a direct wink at General Mills’ Monster Cereals. Big K’s consonant hat tip couldn’t have been timed better, either: with rapidly staling box art returning this year instead of new looks for Count, Frank, and Boo (seemingly the only reanimated Monsters this year), I’m much more excited about this trio of immersively designed delights.

I mean, how couldn’t I? Tony looks like he could tell me that man is nothing but a miserable pile of secrets any minute!

Thanks to Hillary H. for sharing the news of these—you can view them on Walmart’s website.

Posted by . Categories: News. 4 Comments

03

Aug. ’18

News: Cinnamon Frosted Flakes Frozen Yogurt Hits Menchie’s!

Fresh off of their Honey Smacks salmonella crisis, Kellogg’s is trying a more cultured approach to bringing bacteria into their cereals: frozen yogurt, colloquially known as froyo, and more sinisterly known as frogurt.

And it’s all happening at Menchie’s, one of a whole phylum’s worth of build-your-own, pay-by-weight froyo free-for-all joints that, while they may be waning in popularity, certainly aren’t wavering on creativity.

In the second cereal x frozen yogurt crossover we’ve seen this summer, Tony the Tiger—who conspicuously appears here in his old, not-uncannily-CGI’d design—is helping Menchie’s infuse his Cinnamon Frosted Flakes right into the very core of their pumped-up product.

Made with real cinnamon and presumably accompanied by an easily-underestimated tub of actual cereal pieces for sprinklin’, this promising flavor (officially and redundantly titled “Cinnamon Frosted Cereal made with Kellogg’s® Cinnamon Frosted Flakes) will likely still have to do a lot of work to pull people away from the chain’s multitude of other elaborate concepts.

COOKIES ‘N CREAM CHEESECAKE MADE WITH OREO® COOKIE PIECES froyo, anyone? (Their all caps, not mine)

Look for this taste in your local Menchie’s starting yesterday. And if you decide to mix gummy worms into it, please invite me to your funeral.

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01

Aug. ’18

News: General Mills Monster Cereals are Oozing Back into Stores

(Image via General Mills)

(Image via General Mills)

Have you heard the howling?

I only ask because, after General Mills’ soft announcement of Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry Monster Cereals has left some monsterholics (not to be confused with the far less tame Monsterholics) a bit disappointed.

Typically built up with some sort of anticipation, early word on this breakfast time trio isn’t promising. It largely serves as a formal announcement of the Monster Crunch board game and puzzle, and it responds to fans’ collective clamoring for 20th century favorites Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy’s return by saying their board game presence is an introduction of sorts. Their non-appearance has since been externally confirmed.

Whether this means they’ll debut at a later time or only in merchandise is unclear, but given that General Mills’ blog post states the Monster Cereals will be hitting shelves soon, that must mean their creative production is complete. So it stands to reason that the presence of last year’s boxes in the photo probably means we won’t be getting a new gimmick or art style this time around the corn husk-laden crypt.

Hey, at least we’ll be able to channel our emotions into spirited cardboard competition.

Now that’s just my prediction. I’ll eat my words with marshmallows if I’m wrong, but until we learn more, I’m just gonna sit here with the Monsters Go Disco on repeat and hope they at least reintroduce two other classic, fan favorite monsters: Dr. Oat & Mr. Flour.

Posted by . Categories: News. Tags: . 11 Comments