Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Toy Story 4 Carnival Berry Cereal

I’ll be honest, even though it’s been out for over a week, Toy Story 4 has not yet graced my ideas. It’s not (entirely) about it being an unnecessary sequel, and more about how I have to pee so often during movies that it leaves massive plot holes in my memory if the staff refuse to pause it for me.

And yes, I did once try to slip out to the restroom during The Last Jedi, accidentally opened the door to outside, and bathed the theater in an embarrassing flood of blinding hyperspace.

But here in the comfort of my own home, I can find cinematic relief through open relieving—all while eating cheap cereal instead of $11 kids’ snack boxes (the gummies are just so good!). So as I crack open a box of Toy Story 4 Carnival Berry Cereal, I’m forced to interpret the plot based entirely on this sensory breakfast experience.

So far all I’ve garnered is that during the film, the toys are blessed (or cursed?) with the ability to sprint across empty air—even in a five-alarm red void. Let’s hope the taste features more character development…

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 2 rating, kellogg's, movie cereals. 1 Comment

Jun. ’19

Review: Malt-O-Meal & Cold Stone Creamery’s Cookie Doughn’t You Want Some?

Look, I’m all for cool (especially the literally cool) cereal collaborations, but I’m sensing an ulterior motive with this one.

Malt-O-Meal & Cold Stone Creamery’s Cookie Doughn’t You Want Some? is the latest in their ice cream cereal series, after Birthday Cake Remix and Our Strawberry Blonde. And it has to be a secret social experiment by Post (M-O-M’s parent company) to see just how long they can make a cereal’s full, legal name before they drive snacky journalists wacky.

Well to that I say, nice try, but I’ll just turn it into an ugly acronym that actually takes more exertion to craft than typing it out.

So I know I really buried the lead here, but M-O-M&CSCCDYWS? is making a bold statement by claiming it contains cereal pieces actually flavored like cookie dough (while pairing them with marshmallows, but I doubt anyone in today’s marbit-fatigued zeitgeist really cares about that). There’s been little creativity in the chocolate chip cookie cereal scene as of late, ever since Keebler Cereal and its tragically puff-smothered cookie bits keeled over. That’s why there’s a lot riding on Cookie Doughn’t You Want Some? to be more than just another Cookie Crisp chaser.

Now that I’ve told my spellcheck’s autocapitalization settings to not even bother, I can answer the in-sentence question Cookie Doughn’t You Want Some? exists to ask:

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, caramel, chocolate, ice cream, malt-o-meal. Leave a comment

Jun. ’19

Review: Peanut Butter Chex Cereal

Ever play Mario Kart? From Toadette to Bowser and every Birdo in between, the characters have three broad weight classes: light, medium, and heavy. Modern Chex cereals follow a very similar model, with each choosing to use a rice, corn, or wheat base, respectively.

Now I’m not saying that Donkey Kong would ever trade bananas for Wheat Chex, nor that there should to be a Chex Quest Kart in which Fred Chexter and various Flemoids do sick drifts through the Caverns of Bazoik—but it is very important that the respective density of each Chex variety complements the flavor glazed upon it.

For example, Blueberry Chex‘s rice base makes for great high-velocity munching, but the vaporous nature of the grain doesn’t ideally suit the equal subtleties of blueberry flavoring. That’s why when Peanut Butter Chex was announced with a Corn Chex base, I was excited to get my cob-nobbing mitts on a box. General Mills was kind enough to send me one, so it’s time to butter up and eat these babies rotary style.

(Those heathens who prefer to eat corn on the cob “typewriter” style are free to try and change my mind in the comments.) Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, chex, general mills, peanut butter. 3 Comments

Jun. ’19

Review: Mega Stuf Oreo O’s

Has the Stuf-ification of society reached a creamily critical mass? Has the waxing trend of ascetic minimalism led cookie fans to ditch their earthly possessions and irrational need for continually and ridiculously escalating Stuffiness?

As we discussed on the latest Empty Bowl episode, all the gimmick Oreos in the world still can’t hold up against the O.G. version—except for Oreo Cakesters, of course, but that’s a topic for another time…or an entire dedicated fan site. So while I’m beyond happy that new Mega Stuf Oreo O’s bring the cereal back to its Extreme Creme glory days, I have to keep in mind these changing cultural conceptions surrounding Stuf. It appears crispy chocolate is eclipsing buttery goo in popularity once more, putting Mega Stuf Oreo O’s to the ultimate test of modernized–retro willpower.

(Just know that whether this cereal flounders or not, human records will forever have this 3000-pixel wide HD Oreo Cakester photo.)

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, oreo o's, post. Leave a comment

Jun. ’19

Review: Drumstick Cereal (Two Flavors!)

Serious question: at what point does a ‘new’ cereal just become breakfast trail mix?

Not trying to knock General Mills before trying their newest cereal, of course, but the latest and second-laziest trend of new cereal ideation (behind crude ‘mallowfication, of course) seems to be creating Greatest Hits collections of other cereals so it can be called something distinctly new. Post has done it, and Kellogg’s does it every day at their cereal café.

Whether it’s collaging or crate-digging, sampling is surely a treasured technique of assemblage. But would people rather have a pastiche of cereals past, or an actual Trail Mix Cereal with roasted peanut flakes, nutty raisins (a la Raisin Nut Bran), and chocolate morsels?

(Sorry for the specificity; I’ve been contemplating pouring milk in my 10-pound bag of Sweet & Salty Mix all week.)

For better or worse, General Mills’ new pair of Drumstick Cereals tweak the past to create an ice cream of the future (no, not that one). Launching in both Classic Vanilla and Mint Chocolate, each pairs Golden Grahams and Cocoa Puffs with newly flavored disk pieces familiar from Cookie Crisp. Turns out I had mixed feelings. To pre-conclude, as much as the back of the box tries to bamboozle us with fancy new piece names, I can’t help but wish this cereal was a cerealverse crossover instead of something Drumstick branded.

Can’t you picture Sonny the Cuckoo and Chip the Wolf surfing on Golden Graham pieces across a honeyed sea? Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, 7 rating, chocolate, general mills, mint. 9 Comments

Jun. ’19

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s Cotton Candy Crunch

For most of my life, I thought the best thing about cotton candy was its mascot: that nameless pink monster who not only looks like the lovechild of Mr. Bubble and a loofah, but who also deserves a place at the Halloween breakfast table right next to Chocula and his ilk.

But now that I’ve grown into a bubbly loafer of an adult, I’m just as enthralled with cotton candy’s many monikers around the world. It was first called ‘dragon’s breath’ in China’s Han dynasty around 200 CE, ‘candy floss’ in many European countries today, ‘sugar spin’ in Norway…’grandma’s hair’ in Greece…and…uhh…’dad’s beard’ in France.

And here I thought eating cotton sounded unappealing. “Better fluff than follicles,” as my clean-shaven dad always said.

Thanks to Quaker and Cap’n Crunch, we now have a new way to talk about cotton candy: with our mouths full. By turning the melt-in-your-mouth ephemera of cotton candy into something crunchy and tongue-stable, the Cap’n is expanding his line of wacky one-offs with Cotton Candy Crunch.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a nearby circus or country fair to review (and deep fry) this stuff at, but luckily, I’m enough of a clown that I feel qualified to taste test it from the comfort of my big honkin’ bed. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cap'n crunch, quaker. 14 Comments

Jun. ’19

Review: The Crunch Cup

Cereal, in all its meditative morning zen oneness, feels like a static concept. When eaten in the morning, just past noon, or at midnight, it centers, grounds, and rebalances our day to an even keel.

For this reason—and the whole milk thing—eating cereal on the go typically requires either a crumb-ersome cereal bar or two separate thermoses for Cap’n Crunch and 2%. The problematic conundrum of mobile cereal munching is so pandemic, it’s even been pop-culturally immortalized on TV.

But the folks behind the successfully crowdfunded Crunch Cup, which raised over $100,000 from online backers, want to change that. Using a cleverly designed two-chamber system, this mobile cereal solution bills is striving for a sweeter, more convenient breakfastian world. They were also kind enough to send me a Crunch Cup for this review, so while I’ll probably still instinctively avoid eating cereal on the go (ever since that time I spilled a whole milky cup of Cocoa Puffs on my pants in high school and yelped so loud I derailed the calculus lesson), I’m here to playtest it for the good of your soon-to-be-creamier morning commute.

Because hey: if you’ve got a family-sized box of cereal in your passenger seat, you’re totally allowed to use the carpool lane.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating. 4 Comments

May. ’19

Review: Fillows Cereal (Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme and Pillsbury Cinnamon Roll!)

What would it take to end the Krave Civil War?

You know, the ceaseless, caustic conflict between those who love those graham-wrapped little choco-chrysalises (hi, it’s me) and those who think they taste like dog food (*ahem*). Such division doesn’t belong in the breakfast aisle, a demilitarized zone for those seeking unanimously sweet solidarity and shared cereal ceasefires. But what are we to do?

Should we pan-fry pieces of Krave to make them more palatable?
Barrel-age our Krave in Bailey’s to make it more…utilitarian?
Or must we Kravers acquiesce and bury all our polarizing cereal right next to the hatchet?

The answer’s far simpler: build a better filled pillow cereal. Which is just what General Mills has done with their aptly named Fillows line of cereals. These little cereal nuggets are filled with crème (though some sites have called it icing), and are currently only available at Walmart in family-sized boxes. But even though each box weighs over a pound—and features foil, rather than plastic, bags to properly secure their shimmering density—I don’t think you’ll need a family to finish it.

Just be ready to carry a food baby when you’re finished.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, cinnamon, cookies and cream, general mills. 10 Comments