News: Minecraft Creeper Crunch Cereal

Forgive my lateness again—I first tweeted about Minecraft Cereal the moment I learned of it, but forgot to make a proper blog post for all my no-doubt countless Minecraft-loving blog readers. And my masochistic readers, too.

See, Kellogg’s upcoming Creeper Crunch cereal is in fact just a cinnamon-dusted version of the same base cereal we’ve seen countless times already in licensed products—even as recently as earlier this summer. Multigrain squares—which are, granted, better than corn puffs—and a splash of marbits—which in this case are, granted, uniquely cubic—makes for a cereal that’s acceptably adequate, but probably not worth investing in a Family Sized box unless you have 3 young Minecraft super fans creeping around your house (named Steve, Stephan, and Nick, who we call Stevie).

Expect Minecraft Creeper Crunch to hit stores soon, but don’t expect me to hit the ground holding my W key. While I have casually played and enjoyed Minecraft, the box’s boasted appeal of a free character outfit isn’t enough to pique the interest of the ivory pickaxes I call teeth. Call me when they add Fred Chexter armor.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cinnamon, kellogg's, news. 4 Comments

Jul. ’20

Empty Bowl Catch-Up: Episodes 33–35

Forgive me again: time moves strangely in The Bowl. The thirty or so Earth minutes Justin and I spend recording each episode of our meditative cereal podcast requires a six-week spiritual pilgrimage, an astral projection light years away onto a planet made entirely of milky tides and cereal dust archipelagos. It is here, and only here, that true breakfast bliss can be channeled into our world through a microphone-equipped conduit.

And that’s I once again forgot to do a dedicated post for the previous two Empty Bowl Episodes, so I humbly introduce them here alongside our newest episode: Thirty-Five.

New to the show? It’s okay if you skipped syllabus day: the only supply you need is relaxation in great supply. Allow us to share with you the joyous American introduction of Tropical Froot Loops, the new holy reign of Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Cereal, and the belated ascent of Chaka the Chex.

Want to spend a little more time gazing with us at the planet Bowltide’s ample Aurora Cerealis? We’ve got plenty more interstellar sojourns at our Anchor hub, including Thirty-Three and Thirty-Four. You can also follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but each one supplies lumens to our displaced cosmic holograms.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: empty bowl. Leave a comment

Jul. ’20

Review: Minions Vanilla Vibe Cereal

New Minions Vanilla Vibe Cereal Review - Box

(I cropped this one tall solely so you could see Benny’s head)

Do not read this review in the Alps.

Do not read this review while hunting or fishing.

And certainly do not read this review with any sleeping children in the house, because the seismic sigh I’m about to release could make avalanches, ripples, and crybaby dribbles:

SIGH

There, that feels better. Hopefully your pets haven’t been spooked and you weren’t in range of my sugar corn-scented breath—that stuff’s Gru-some. Heh, see what I did there? Just a little Despicable humor from Me.

…

Please laugh with me. I need something positive to come out of this review. I’m going to keep it quick, because Minions Vanilla Vibe is just an awful, terrible cereal. And no, I’m not saying that in the classic dad joke sense of “oh, these taste horrible! I’ll get rid of ’em for you.” No, Minions Vanilla Vibe cereal—pardon my crudeness here—sucks. From both a flavorful and ideological point of view. Allow me to (briefly) elaborate: Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, movie cereal, vanilla. 3 Comments

Jul. ’20

Review: Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Cereal

This is a momentous review. The kind of review that deserves a content warning: this article contains atomically divisive statements, polarizing particles capable of sparking a potential second Cereal Civil War—we all remember the seismic defeat of Quake by Quisp in the Great Quaker Quarrel of ’71. Anyway, if you made it through that sentence, I figure you’re ready to weather my scalding hot take:

Post’s Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Cereal is better than Cinnamon Toast Crunch. In fact, it’s not even close—it’s a bona fide cinnamon slobber-knocker. For with one sweet and sweeping swing of its ingredients list, Honey Maid Graham Cereal simply bests CTC at a foundational level, rendering it undeserving of further comparison.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is one of the most popular cereals of all time. That’s why I’m ready to accept the zinger slings and meme arrows of many doubtful Cinnamon Toast Crunchers. But I advise you, before saying more, to try a box of Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Cereal for yourself and decide. You may not agree, but I doubt you’ll be disappointed you tried. Anyway, on to the real meat of this graham-burger beefcake of a new cereal.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cinnamon, graham, post. 12 Comments

Jun. ’20

News: Tropical Froot Loops Hit America + Cookies & Creme Krispies Aren’t Far Behind

Someone ask Gordon Ramsay for his best Caribbean fusion recipes, because in his words: “finally, some good f***ing food.”

The American debut of Tropical Froot Loops is incredible for two reasons: first, this originally Mexico-exclusive menagerie of looped Pineapples, Bananas, Oranges & Mangoes is so good that it seemed destined to be just the latest in a long line of creative breakfast explorations that never hit the U.S. Second, Froot Loops has been consistently missing the mark with its recent releases, so the introduction of what we can assume is the same winning formula (containing all kinds of rarely-seen-in-cereal fruit flavors) from south of the border is cause for celebration.

I swear, if Kellogg’s finds a way to bungle the best bits of Tropical Froot Loops during the cereal localization process, I’ll be giving my box a viking funeral. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cookies & creme, froot loops, kellogg's, krispies, news. 6 Comments

Jun. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Lucky Charms & Cinnamon Toast Crunch Soft Baked Bars (6 count boxes)

Woof, it took me a while to unscramble my brain before starting this post—just looking at a Lucky Charms Soft Baked Bar threw me into a hapless hypnotic sugar trance. It’s not that the things taste bad; they’re actually addictive little blondies, so simply appealing that after getting halfway through their initial, Costco-exclusive 40-count box release, I simply couldn’t see right. A punch-drunk man-sized Dough Boy, I waddled and swayed around the house scaring my cats like a kaiju. After giving the rest away, I vowed to never touch a Lucky Charms Soft Baked Bar again—especially not the one I found flattened into a wrapping-fused pancake at the bottom of my backpack.

That said, now that Lucky Charms’ doughy delights are available in far-more-reasonable 6-bar boxes, I recommend everyone keep an eye out for them on their next grocery trip. The unpretentious pleasantness of these Lucky Charms treats also bodes well for General Mills’ companion release: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Soft Baked Bars, which are entirely new and could very likely outshine their marshmallowy cousins.

These CTC bars, however, shouldn’t be confused with Cinnamon Toast Crunch Soft Filled Bars, a frozen product released alongside a Cocoa Puffs version, both consisting of oven-ready soft breads with neufchâtel cheese inside. Tragically, those particularly tempting desserts ended up being wholesale only, meaning the only ones who can enjoy them are elementary school cafeteria-goers and the freelance kindergarten cop I hired to smuggle me out a crate of ’em. He never came back.

Instead, I’m sure Soft Baked Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bars will be less cheesy, but far easier to tear open at a moment’s notice for a quick hit of swirling cinna-sugar goodness. If you manage to find them before I do, let me know what you think in the comments below!

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cereal bars, cinnamon, general mills, lucky charms, toast crunch. 2 Comments

Jun. ’20

Review: Lucky Charms with Honey Clovers

You had one job, Lucky. One job!

Lucky Charms is a cultural treasure of a cereal. So much so that I’d wager over 2/3 of TV jokes about cereal somehow involve technicolor marshmallows. But while the one-note marbits are Lucky Charms’ Wonder Bread and butter, the oat bits that complement every ‘mallow are just as foundationally important to the overall integrity of this cereal we love so much. After all, what is a burst of dreamy sugar without a little grainy realism to bring your orbiting taste buds back down to earthiness?

Contrary to what major breakfast manufacturers seem to believe (for no doubt cost-saving reasons), a cereal’s base grain choice is critical. This can make or break an entire product, depending upon how any given mixture of corn, oat, wheat or rice flours are forged into a certain shape and are given a certain flavor. And while corn definitely has its place in the cereal aisle, it works best when the cereal itself is a celebration of corn. Corn Pops? It sure does. Corn Bran? Why corn’t it? Oh, and Frosted Flakes (of Corn)? I’d expect them to be of nothing less.

But when corn is merely a cereal’s airy and craggy stage, instead of a lead actor, any nuanced flavor basted upon it has to fight for tasteful dominance against its own brazen, maize’n terrain—like sunflower rows growing from concrete. That’s Honey Lucky Charms’ mortal sin: just like Chocolate Lucky Charms and the especially mediocre Fruity Lucky Charms, oat is swapped for corn and then given a flavor, flavors that need oat’s grounding hug more than ever.

But there’s a bit more to this cereal than my rambling intro would have you believe: I’m gonna temper my corn vendetta for a moment and jump right to the honey shot: Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, honey, lucky charms. 6 Comments

Jun. ’20

News: Wait…Why is Kellogg’s Releasing a Green Onion Cereal in South Korea?

The answer is way more interesting than you might think. More than just an unhinged marketing gimmick, the story of South Korean Green Onion Chex is really about a fight for breakfast democracy, 16 years in the making.

In 2004, Kellogg’s of South Korea made one very short-sighted assumption. They wanted to debut a new version of their Chocolate Chex cereal—yes, it must be noted that, for some reason, Kellogg’s SK has the rights to use Chex (a General Mills cereal almost everywhere else) in branding—so Kellogg’s marketers launched an event for kids: an election between two candidates in the running to be “the president of Kellogg–Chex world.”

Kids could vote for either Cheky, a hip young square who promised to double the chocolate flavor in Kellogg’s Chex cereal, or Chaka, a rude and ugly Chex piece who promised to put green onions in Kellogg’s Chex instead. Again, foolishly assuming that kids would naturally choose super-chocolatey Cheky over his hybrid Shrek/Mucinex Mascot opponent, Kellogg’s SK let kids vote through a public online poll. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: chex, international, kellogg's. 10 Comments

*SIGH*

SIGH