There, now that you’re properly petrified from that mid-sentence jump scare, you’re also in luck, because the latest (and last episode before Halloween) of The Empty Bowl is 31 minutes of creepy-calming cereal shop-talking. Join Justin and I as we get salty about Pop-Tart shells, review my mortally damning Grape-Nuts crime, and catch you up on the eye-popping hereditary history of Halloween Froot Loops.
If there’s something strange in your mental neighborhood, you can call on nineteen other episodes of cereal stress-busting at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We canât discuss or respond to every email, but each one makes me eat a bowl of cereal. My life’s in your hands.
Never before has a new cereal pairing sounded so much like a Cosmopolitan quiz.
Are you a Kiss, or a Troll? We can tell you in one question
And that question would be something along the lines of:
If you could pick a sexy location for making whoopie, which would you choose:
A) The bathroom at a fancy fondue joint B) Under a dumpy bridge
No matter your alignment, I think it’s tough to be upset with either of General Mills’ two upcoming cerealsâwhich we know about thanks entirely to @sega_retro_revival. Continue reading →
Ooh, this one hits me hard. Hard as a quarter-empty 50-pack of Timbits left behind at an executive meeting that was later scavenged and greedily gobbled by me like a feral Pac-Man.
As a lifelong Michigander, I’m no stranger to Tim Hortons. In fact, I have a nostalgic, pliable and doughy soft spot for the place, as it conjures fond memories: of my dad buying me chocolate chip muffins. Memories of my high school self bicycling out of school at lunchtime like a bat out of hell to make it to Timmy’s before they stopped making maple oatmeal. And of course, memories of my more recent self scavenging and gobbling Timbits like a feral Pac-Man.
Waka waka waka, and yada yada yada: the point is that Canada is getting exclusive Timbits Cereals to celebrate what may arguably be the northwest hemisphere’s most beloved doughnut holes.
A few things are still unclear about these Post-produced products. When will they come out? Will there be more flavors beyond Chocolate Glazed and Birthday Cake (I’m lookin’ at you, Apple Fritter)? And who will trebuchet 90kg of this stuff 300m over the MIâCA border for me?
No matter the answers, I can conclusively say that as a fan of both doughnuts and doughnutcereals, I’m excited to see if these boxed dozens can bring zen to my breakfast table.
Somebody call Cap’n Crunch, because there are some new golden doubloons hitting the breakfast table.
For the past three months, “Twinkies Cereal” has been phantasmically dancing atop the tongues of cereal lovers like Twinkie the Kid at whatever spectral square-dance they send brand mascots to to purgatorily pass time in between discontinuations. Sure, we’ve seen the theoretical box for a while, but Post has a (recent) history of leaking cereal ideas that never end up amounting to anything.
But any doubt about these crunchy golden sponge-cakelets can finally be put to rest (in the family plot, between Fruit Pie the Magician and Happy Ho Ho). Thanks to continued correspondent Devin, we now have clear optics on the fully produced cereal itself, meaning it’s rapidly approaching release. And while it certainly looks just about how you’d expectâtragically, without the tiny, cream-stuffed exhaust holes on the bottomâDevin also provided his synopsis of the flavor:
“Tastes a lot like the Donettes cereal. The cereal itself seems familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it…”
With a forecast that titillating, I now feel I must steel my taste buds to try and recognize any arcane analogues. Here’s hoping it’s closer to “bowl full of mini Golden Oreos” than “bowl full of Golden Oreo O’s.”
Let’s be real: if you’ve been keeping up with the cereal trend that’s been pushing me over the edge of polite and bloggerly cereal fanboyism toward the turgid wastelands of frustration and Snickerless un-me-ness, you might know what meme I plan to end this blurb with.
Yes, Kellogg’s keeps releasing boring cereals. They’re either fake-fruity loops or, well, they’re Frozen II Cereal: another licensed Lucky Charms knock-off that’s the exact same thing as Frozen Cereal, but with a new box. There are bland oat pieces. There are white snowballs and blue something-or-others. The point is, I didn’t expect anything more from a movie cereal, but I was at least hoping for a reason to review it. I’m sure there’s a young Frozen fan in your life who will demand this cereal with icy determination, but you might be better off dicing up some grocery store carrot cake and tossing it into a bowl of Donettes.
Oh, Kellogg’s. Are you a mercenary now? A contract cereal killer? Blink twice if you’re embroiled too deep in a dark web conspiracy.
Look, I’ve already whined about and refused to further dine on Kellogg’s generic sugar loop cereal epidemic, but these three upcoming Kellogg’s releases suggest there’s a bigger problem: (sugar) cookie cutter partnerships. I know, I know, lazy movie cereals have been a breakfast trend since the Forced death of original ideas like C-3POs, but now that Kellogg’s jumped the Baby Shark, it seems the floodgates have been opened for other shadily proprietary entities to easily buy (or be bought for, who knows) their own blasĂŠ breakfasts. Continue reading →
That teal…that shade of uniquely aquamaritime teal.
It’s not too late to mend your heretical misdoings, Kellogg’s, and to put this color on this product makes my heart snap, my joints pop, and my stomach crackle with rage.
Err, that last one might’ve been the spicy tikka masala, but my vitriol stands. Yes, I’m talking about the original, perfectly poised and turquoised Rice Krispies Treats Cereal box, which is the cornerstone of my (largely intact) theory that all cereals in teal boxes are bound for greatness, or at least cult appeal. Sprinkle Spangles. Cinnabon Cereal. Cinnamon Roll Fillows. And even Toasted Coconut Cheerios now. The only outlier here is Maple Bacon Donuts Cereal and its putridly glazed porkiness, but I choose to willfully ignore itâafter all, it was a clear, anarchistic gimmick of a cereal that was likely tailor made to send my pet theories to a farm upstate. Continue reading →
(Yes, I know the best by date is before I post thisârest assured, I tested them literally just in time before it was too late.)
Heh, if you thought the economic prognosis for cereal was grim, then its perennial bowlfellow is facing an udderly dire future.
Of course, as active eaters are focusing on more energizing breakfasts, and as dairy consumption is plummeting by the billions of dollars, interest in milk alternatives is increasing amongst consumers across all levels of lactose tolerance. Oat milk, especially, is taking off as the hippest, sippest stuff to put on your cerealâespecially if you’re eating a creepyâcorny cereal that desperately needs to throwback to the good oat days.
In a radical effort to make milk more appealing to modern kids, Borden Farms has launched three State Fair-inspired milk flavors in select, fair-friendly states. Symbolically implying a situation wherein a blue-ribbon 4H cow broke loose from the clumsy trappings of man to storm the deep-fried fairway before being milked by opportunistic carnies looking to get the most bang out of their heifer-heisted buck, these milks bring Blueberry Cobbler, Banana Taffy, and Cotton Candy to the breakfast table.
Overlooking the clear missed opportunity for a caramelized Funnel Cake Milk (milked from real elephant ears!), this potent lineup of tastes was kindly sent to me by Borden’s Elsie the Cow herself, who pseudo-calmly reminded me between moos that I simply must squat on my stoop in anticipation of a shipment that must be refrigerated immediately in order to keep her sweet nectar crisp and uncurdled.
Well, mission accomplished, Elsie. I don’t do many milk reviews on this site, but given that atomically hued milks are practically begging to be poured atop flavorfully complementary cereals, I couldn’t resist the chance to get a little artsy with my pairings. Here’s hoping I at least get a participation ribbon in the Pastoral Landscapes category. Continue reading →
