Spooned & Spotted: Trader Joe’s Hot Cocoa Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries

(Image via ebay.com/usr/retiredin07)

Brrr.

Gotta act fast. Every word I type in this post brings winter a little closer. Tm t gt rd f vwls.

Okay, I’ll just get to the point: Trader Joe’s is boldly and coldly choosing to be among the first breakfast bringers to roll out some holiday offerings, brazenly stealing the spotlight from the pumpkin spice divas just meters away.

I sense a cat fight. Somebody call Tony!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BnrWBAQhGjV/?taken-by=theimpulsivebuy

Joe Kringle’s first gift is Hot Cocoa Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries. I was first clued in to its landing by The Impulsive Buy’s earlier post introducing the pastries to the broader world. Since my closest Trader Joe’s requires a brown-bagged lunch and at least one bathroom stop to make it roundtrip, I took to trolling the web for more details, images and thoughts on the decidedly loaferish pastries’ flavor.

That how’s I found an eBay listing for two boxes of the pastries, which I hope boast as much chocolate marshmallow taste as Pop-Tarts Chocomallow Sundae Pop-Tarts, and not as much eau de cardboard as Trader Joe’s cereal take on the pairing.

(Image via ebay.com/usr/retiredin07)

Why I thought this listing was especially interesting is because the two boxes are each half the size of the one posted on TIB. And the nutrition facts even list the entire package’s caloric contents, which is startling enough to give Hungry Man mashed & buttered goosebumps. Whether this is a sample box or a different release is unknown, but if you want to own a possible toaster pastry myth, be prepared to pay about $3 per chocolate-stuffed rectangle.

Could be worth it: who knows, maybe they’re wood-fired?

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Leave a comment

Sep. ’18

Review: Catalina Crunch Ditch Sugar – Dark Chocolate Artisan Cereal

“Oh, cereal? That old fuddy-duddy?” I chuckle, as I sunbathe alarmingly bronzed and sunglassed before taking a swig of milk from a neon pink thermos, “For a hip, working fella like myself, only Diet Cereal will do. It’s sugar-free, and isn’t that just sweet?

As my smiling commercial fantasy fades out, I’m left with the lucidly real task of reviewing Catalina Crunch’s DITCH SUGAR (as it’s stylized) Dark Chocolate Artisan Cereal. This is tough, because this is not the kind of cereal I usually review here—sure, I’ve tackled healthy cereals, but no sugar? That’s like eating a hot dog bun with just ketchup. Full disclosure, I received this sample from Catalina Snacks, and I chose to review it fairly as a way to diversify my cereal coverage—and hopefully reach internationally soon.

I heard Italian cereal is that real good, deep-dish stuff.

But unlike Diet Coke and its artificial ilk, Catalina Crunch DITCH SUGAR (which I could tattoo on my knuckles) is non-calorically sweetened with plant-derived stevia, meaning this cereal is practically a vegetable. And along with the cocoa fruit? Hand me a dinner Pop-Tart, because I’m set, baby.

The cereal’s Golden Grahamic, ridged squares come in a shockingly small package. I’m not sure if it’s designed to be mixed in with yogurt or smoothies, but it hardly makes a modest bowl alone—unless I’m meant to load a magazine of them into my breakfast cannon and go off. So with careful portion control, I’ll try and make my taste test long enough to get a good read (gotta turn off the Kirby function first). Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, chocolate. 22 Comments

Sep. ’18

Classic Review: Paw Patrol Kix – Honey & Berry Berry

Growing up, I never ate Kix.

Sure, I ate plenty of knuckle sandwiches, but thankfully my school bullies were usually too stout for their ham-thighed roundhouses to reach my molars.

Oh, and I never ate Kix cereal, either. Why? Because in a sea of colorful boxes and bug-eyed cartoon sirens staring down at me, it was hard to justify choosing…lightly flavored corn puffs for my weekly breakfasts—especially with the phonetically similar and superiorly fruit-shaped Trix just a hop, skip and a fist-pump away.

Now years later, the typically un-personified Kix brand is now fronted by Paw Patrol, a show apparently beloved by today’s young’ns. I don’t know what the show is about, so I’m just going to tell myself it involves a canine Village People cover band.

Thankfully, General Mills sent me a couple boxes of the stuff, in both Honey and Berry Berry. So while I wait for some of this and next year’s exciting cereals to arrive, I figured I’d do some dark timeline-traveling and relive the childhood I’m probably glad I never had. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, 6 rating, berry, general mills, honey, kix. 9 Comments

Sep. ’18

Rumor Mill: Three New Kellogg’s Cereals!

What do the three images above have in common?

Well, they’re all core ingredients in my new, patent-pending-a-restraining-order weight loss formula: Dumpy Dan’s morBID Your Pounds Goodbye Smoothie, which blends together 11 secret carbs and candies to help you lose weight by killing you instantly—thus slowing your metabolism! Best paired with exercise, do not try at home, work, or all.

Jokes aside, each iconic (or at least iconically squishy) food above is the flavorful star of Kellogg’s cereals rumored to be coming soon.

Based on tips from fellow snack food f(r)iends Junk Food Aisle and Candy Hunting, we’ve been able to confirm online grocery database listings for Banana Cream Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut Frosted Flakes, and a potential Peeps Cereal. Unfortunately, none have pictures, but the mental pictures they conjure are enough to leave my taste buds literally watering enough to figuratively fill a marshmallow-bedrocked lagoon.

The first is particularly exciting, because Banana Frosted Flakes have long been a cult favorite since Tony’s more straw-esome days. The second is also intriguing, because if any cereal has the potential to disrupt America’s comparatively wholesome, best-selling cereal, it’s sugar-smacked flakes of corn. After all, when’s the last time you saw a bee take down a tiger?

As for Peeps Cereal, we know very little—I would hope for more than a marshmallow-flavored marshmallow cereal, because ol’ Anthony T. Tiger has pretty much given us that already. Granted, we could be misinterpreting the rumors altogether, because the product’s listed name is “Kellogg’s Licensed Brands Cereal Peeps,” it might mean we’ll be getting Froot Loops and Smorz-flavored Peeps instead of the other way around.

But hey, maybe Kellogg’s is playing the long game, and they’ll just turn that into Froot Loop-flavored Peeps-flavored Cereal. Meta-licious!

Stay tuned to our blog and social media, where I’ll post any updates on this story as it develops. Thanks again to our tipsters—if you know anything more about any new cereals, hit up our Submissions page.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: frosted flakes, kellogg's, rumor. 1 Comment

Sep. ’18

Guest Review: Hardee’s & Carls Jr. Froot Loops Mini Donuts

There’s a billboard just down the road from my local Carl’s Jr. that posits “Love is great, but food never broke my heart.”

Lies! You see, Hardee’s (who moonlights as Carl’s Jr. due to a grill experiment gone deliciously awry) was my tribe’s preferred burger joint back in the ’90s, when everything was better, from radio to the base grain of certain eagerly-anticipated monster-themed cereals. Family trips to Hardee’s were highlighted by curly fries. Sure, other chains had them (you’re a champ for sticking with it, Arby’s!), but the perfect blend of peppery orange curls came from the only chain bold enough to combine Apollo 13 with POGs. Sadly, much like that gravity-bending collab, curly fries were lost to fast food lore when Carl’s Jr. married into the clan.

So (artificially) color me surprised that you’re-not-my-real-dad’s counter-service conservatism was repealed for a moment to make way for Froot Loops…donuts?! That’s right, just as Kellogg’s cereals are striking back against the General Mills Halloween empire, those neon-hued rebels are also coming for your throne, Little Debbie. And if the Wars taught us anything, it’s that you shouldn’t underestimate the power of small, bright green packages. Continue reading →

Posted by jared m.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, froot loops, non cereal. 4 Comments

Aug. ’18

Mini Review: Reese’s Puffs Bats Cereal

Holy early Autumn, Bartman! Just yesterday I was fending off the Sprites of Summer with honeysuckle and incense, and now you’re telling me the Bats of Fall are already echolocally a-knockin’?

Well forget the onion bread we have in the oven: it’s garlic season.

But not until after a brief detour through Dog-Day Eager Beaver season. See, the likes of Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and now the constituents of some Count Choco-Peanut Buttula love to release their annual signature cereals before the dog days have finished yipping. While this is great for Halloween cereal lovers, it’s admittedly a bit sad when I overeagerly and unrestrainedly review them all before mid-September and I’m left writing about the trigonometry of Frute Brute’s incisors by 10/31.

So while I’m admitting I have a problem, instead of doing anything about it I’ll just pretend I’m eating Reese’s Puffs Sideways TIE Fighters. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, chocolate, general mills, halloween, peanut butter, reese's puffs. 1 Comment

Aug. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Monster Cereal 3-pack!

Kids nowadays have it so easy.

See, back in my day, we had to drive uphill both ways to Walmart, just to find Count Chocula. Then it was a grueling 5-mile crabwalk across gravel to snag Franken Berry at Target, before an interstate-length hot coal walk just to be told by my local Walgreens that Boo Berry is only available at some Cracker Barrel gift shop in the middle of a volcano.

So yes, I may be exaggerating a little, and General Mills’ new Monster Cereal bundle—found by Snack Stalker (thanks for sharing!) at Sam’s Club—may be convenient, but if my mom brought home a box set trilogy of breakfast’s finest freaks of nature, I’d be a little disappointed about losing the thrill of the hunt.

After all, chalky marshmallows taste so much better with sweat and elbow grease as their milk.

But I suppose if you want a fisticuff-worthy grab bag gift or seasonally appropriate doorstop, you can’t really go wrong with buying your breakfast boogeymen in bulk.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: boo berry, count chocula, franken berry, general mills, halloween, monster cereals. 2 Comments

Aug. ’18

Review: Kellogg’s Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes

What does late-stage pumpkin mania look like?

Yeah, yeah: I’m not suggesting that this country’s obsession with autumnal seasoning is going to be squashed out any time soon—I’ve made that mistake for about three consecutive years now. But I am saying that we are approaching an absurdity threshold, where even illogical products are being consecrated by this harvested incense.

And the breakfast aisle is no exception. On the surface, Frosted Flakes is a cereal dominated by tame flavors like chocolate and cinnamon—other cereals like this include Golden Grahams and Corn Pops—but it’s trying out this whole pumpkin spice thing with the timeliness of my grandpa doing the Harlem Shake. Plus on the back is a decked-out Halloween music festival called “Tony’s Pumpkin Up the Jams Fest.” Which is honestly a pretty unforgivable pun…

…that I wish I had thought of first.

Taking hipness out of the equation, I must still evaluate Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes with the unbiasedly refined palate of a cereal journalist. Or of Einstein’s dog, I guess. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, frosted flakes, kellogg's, pumpkin spice. 3 Comments