“Hop to it, wee one!” — Dotty, of Animal Crossing fame.
Ever since I read this quote in-game, it has played in my head during laborious moments of great urgency. And covering every new cereal hitting shelves this January, by the end of January? That’s no wee effort. Thus, I must get hopped up on sugar to review what I already have, as fast as I can.
Many a bowl’s work ahead of me, I’m starting with a straightforward new release. These Froot Loops & Frosted Flakes Cereal Bars are already out, but are they worth squaring off with at breakfast-time? I’ll make it clear: yes and no. That is, these Froot Loops Cereal Bars are wonderful, while the Frosted Flakes version leaves a lot to be desired. Allow me to elaborate: Continue reading →
Salted Caramel Pretzel Pop-Tarts. Has a nice ring to it.
No, seriously: I think it’s Trochaic Tetrameter—assuming you pronounce it “car-mel,” which I realize is a reckless assumption.
Let’s make one thing clear: Pretzel Pop-Tarts are pretty darn good. Like Gone Nutty Pop-Tarts before them, they shake up the crust game instead of just the flavor. Both of the line’s debut flavors, Chocolate and Cinnamon Sugar, were sweet & salty & scrumptious, so I have little doubt that Salted Caramel Pretzel Pop-Tarts will be up to the same standards. These have already been spotted on Meijer’s site—thanks to Candy Hunting for the initial tip—so they’ll probably hit shelves within a month or two.
Now that Pretzel Pop-Tarts have crossed another reasonable, if not a little uncommon, pretzel flavor pairing off their pastry to-bake list, I wonder where they’ll go next. Here’s hoping we get Peanut Butter Pretzel Pop-Tarts before Whole-Grain Mustard.
No longer need you get up early to prepare a full meal of scrambled marigolds and sizzling tickled pinks, served with a side of burnt sienna toast. Kellogg’s & Crayola are making it easier than ever to consume crayons for breakfast with an upcoming cereal flavored like Jazzberries. What does a Jazzberry taste like, you might ask? Well, I think they grow on vines that spring from the decomposed fibers of discarded Jazz solo cups. You know the ones.
As the fruit born of such a distinguished plant species, Jazzberries therefore have much expected of them. When I astral project the aesthetic of Jazz solo cups onto my taste buds, they taste like half-melted blue raspberry ICEEs and grape Kool-Aid. Perhaps this is a bit too puckering of a flavor profile to expect of a licensed cereal, so in reality Crayola Jazzberry cereal will probably taste like Caticorn cereal or Llama Loops. Which is to say, bad.
While that is a pretty grim prognosis for Jazzberry cereal’s potential, it’s also pretty realistic. Who knows, though: Crayola made a smart move with Jazzberry cereal’s color-able box—not just because of the fun value, but also the box design’s intense contrast of white to sharp saturation. This will no-doubt catch the eyes of many children in the cereal aisle, upping Jazzberry’s impulse buy appeal.
Pretty tricky, but at least it’s original. Whether or not the flavor will hold up to the same avant garde scrutiny is another story. Crayola Jazzberry cereal is already listed on Walmart and Meijer’s websites, and while they don’t have details or availability yet, they’re likely to drop within a month or so.
What’s your favorite crayon, by the way? I’m a sucker for good ol’ blue-green.
Give me the opportunity to ideate a new Raisin Bran (Crunch or Otherwise) flavor, and I’ll come back to you with an annotated binder of possibilities, each obscure taste more convoluted and full of cultural callbacks than the last.
You give the ideas guys at Kellogg’s the same chance, and they’ll show you a million ways to change the stuff without really doing a whole lot of anything. Raisin Bran with Cranberries—a dried fruit tasting basically the same as raisins, but tougher to chew. Raisin Bran with Vanilla—they actively made the stuff worse with an overpowering, industrial vanilla veneer. Oh, and why not just chuck some bananas in there?
Wait, that one gets a pass. It at least calls back to every on-box proposed Raisin Bran serving of yore.
But this newest exhibition of nothingness is, at least conceptually, the most offensive of all. The ideological barrier between Kellogg’s Raisin Bran and Raisin Bran Crunch is thicker than a three-wide cluster of stuck-together bran flakes. The two cereals attract very different types of people. And while I respect regular Raisin Bran, it’s not for me. I love me some Crunchy bunches of honey-toasted granola—which is why it’s egregious that “Toasted Oats & Honey” is positioned here as a spinoff of plain ol’ Raisin Bran.
It should’ve been called Raisin Bran Crunch 2: Deliciously Deconstructed. Accurately allocating valor is important, Kellogg’s! Continue reading →
For real though, Krave haters be darned, I’m absolutely psyched that not only is there a new variety hitting shelves now, but it’s one of my all-time favorite flavor profiles. Sure, chocolate chip cookies are alright, but nothing beats a chewy, slightly grainy, and brown-buttery gob of unbaked cookie dough—salmonella also be darned. Granted, cookie dough is a pretty nuanced flavor to cram into a single cereal shell—sadly, the filling on these is only chocolate—but Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough is also probably my favorite Pop-Tart flavor currently available, so I trust Kellogg’s to infuse the same amount of indulgent goodness into these chips off the ol’ chocolate block.
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Krave has already been spotted at Meijer. Have you tried it yet?
You know those quasi-popular memes that contrast one’s grieving friends & family with the reality that one is in the underworld as Doomguy, looking for vengeance? Yeah, that’s gonna be me in the bowels of H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks, aiming to double-damn the infernal blight of the Elf on the Shelf. Of course, I’d never find him, since that well-hidden Elf resides either high in Satan’s castle or in some abstract negative space unreachable by human souls.
All that to say, I don’t like Elf on the Shelf. I don’t like his silent menace, his plasticine face, or his chaotic-neutral mischief. But since Elf on the Shelf Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie Crunch is one of only two new Holiday cereals this season, I’m obligated to give this wintertide rascal his due bloggerly diligence.
Because if I don’t, he’ll probably curse me into endlessly wandering his snowy pocket dimension’s gingerbread labyrinth. Continue reading →
While General Mills dropped their entire Early 2021 cereal lineup in one concentrated dump of rendered cardboard, Kellogg’s is sharing their New Year’s offerings in drips & drabs. with each of the products pictured here hitting headlines across the past week or so.
First we have two cereals on opposing ends of the sugary–healthy cereal spectrum. Cinnamon Roll Frosted Mini-Wheats clearly has no reservations about frosting full-gloss, twinkling and gooey cinna-bun flavor atop its thatched squares. Granted, Frosted Mini-Wheats variants often aren’t flavored that potently, regardless of how rich their dessert inspirations may be. In fact, while I’m sure Cinnamon Roll Frosted Mini-Wheats will taste just fine, this isn’t entirely new territory for the brand. Cinnamon Roll Frosted Mini-Wheats Little Bites were around in 2012, and I’m a firm believer in the superior flavor of Mini-Mini-Wheats—simply because they have a higher frosting-to-wheat ratio.
Likewise, Special K with REAL WHOLE BLUEBERRIES seems kind of like a downgrade from Blueberry and Lemon Clusters Special K, which may not have had whole blueberries, but it had freakin’ yogurt clusters. That’s way more deserving of an obnoxiously all-caps box banner. But hey, it’ll probably also taste alright, if not good! Continue reading →
Who is the world’s most prolific artist? Paul McCartney? Phish? Viper?
Wrong.
It’s the Dame Diminutive Deborah, better known as Little Debbie. Not counting seasonal specialties like Christmas Tree Brownies, Football Brownies, Easter Egg Brownies and every other merrily malformed hunk of brownie batter, Little Debbie currently produces 47 different snacks. I’d guess the average person could only name a handful—the likes of Zebra Cakes, Star Crunch, Swiss Rolls and Cosmic Brownies—while grease-loving gas station regulars (picture me raising my own slick mitts as identification) could probably tell you about deeper cuts like Donut Sticks, Fudge Rounds, and Pecan Spinwheels.
Despite this sprawling cake-ography, when it came time for Kellogg’s and Little Debbie to drop a cereal, there was likely no doubt about which bite would join the breakfast bowl. None of the snacks I’ve listed even come close to the sugar-sandwiched icon that is the Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie. And I’m not just saying that because I grew up making my own double-decker Oatmeal Creme Pies (DIY is better: the official double-D OCPs are just a clever way to cut out half of the moist cookie middlin’).
No, an Oatmeal Creme Pie cereal has been a no-brainer for years. But now that it’s finally happened, can Little Debbie’s milk & spoon debut live up to decades of vacuum-sealed hype? Let’s unwrap Oatmeal Creme Pies Cereal from the top. Continue reading →
