Tag Archives: lucky charms

14

Jan. ’20

News: St. Patrick’s Day Lucky Charms Return for 2020

2020 St. Patrick's Day Lucky Charms Cereal Boxes

While I’m slightly disappointed in General Mills for retreading the same emerald-dyed waters for the upteenth time in Lucky Charms’ history, the cereal maker’s latest trip ’round the rainbow poses a curious question surrounding the deeper lore of the Charmiverse:

Is Lucky’s fear of children stealing his Charms just a false flag so no one goes after his moolah?

Sure, the in-world Charms are perhaps more valuable than loot or minted Loops—as they possess the same reality-warping power as Chaos Emeralds—but when it comes to cold hard cash? Lucky’s gotta be loaded if he was able to travel the cosmos and harvest each arcane artifact for his own kid-averse shenanigans.

So even though the brand-proclaimed star of 2020’s St. Paddy’s Day Lucky Charms is the “new” gold coin marshmallow (which in reality isn’t new), the buried lede in my opinion is this claim: “To celebrate Lucky the Leprechaun’s birthday (St. Patrick’s Day, of course!), fans have the chance to find Lucky’s Gold on select boxes of cereal!”

Hold up now, full stop. If we’re to believe that Lucky was born on St. Patrick’s Day, why isn’t it mentioned in this commercial? In fact, why would Lucky even think there’s reason to forget his birthday? I don’t mean to be the wolf who cried plot hole, but c’mon. Talk about crocodile tears.

Oh, right. The gold thing. Despite this implication of a chance at big prizes inside every box, I can’t garner any of the details from this box art alone. Coupled with General Mills’ promise that Leprechaun Traps will return to the back of the boxes, I remain uncertain of whether there are actually riches worth seeking—let alone the rich microwavable birthday cake seen in the above spot.

Whatever the mythos of this mythical fellow, Lucky’s St. Patrick’s Day Charms will be hitting shelves soon (two months early, of course) in both regular and chocolate varieties. Should you be fortunate enough to find a doubloon or just some Yukon Golds in your box, I simply ask that you mail me a Chaos Emerald as a token of gratitude. Dragon Balls will work too.

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09

Dec. ’19

News: Pillsbury Lucky Charms Cookie Dough

Pillsbury Lucky Charms Cookie Dough - Cereal Cookies

C’mon, Doughboy, stop kneading around the bush and drop your own cereal already.

We get it, you got the Trix Rabbit to sign on for a strudel à deux, and you lent your brand to an admittedly cinna-mondo Fillows variety. Now you’ve stolen Lucky’s Charms—probably tucked ’em in your amorphous abdomen and giggled all the way to the bank, huh?—to make marbit-ized cookie dough. But when will you step up and front the Biscuit Bites Cereal I’ve been dreaming of for the past 100 words? Show Snap and Crackle who the real Poppin’ Fresh is!

But fine, if you want to stick with sticky sugar pucks, be my guest.

No, really. Be my guest for dinner tonight. I’ll do potato salad if you bring dessert.

Whether these Lucky Charms Cookies (12 big honkin’ ones, to be specific) will actually taste like its cereal forefather seems up for debate. Not only does the packaging simply call them “Sugar Cookie[s] with Marshmallows Bits,” but I’m still deeply shattered by the sheer audacity of Magically Delicious Lucky Charms Marshmallows, which were accurate to only one of those five words.

So will Lucky Charms Cookie Dough have golden oat undertones and the dense crackling sweetness of a cereal marshmallow? As these are hitting Walmart soon, I plan to find out without ever turning my oven on. You can pathetically ask me to “Please” not eat this stuff uncooked, Mr. D. Boy, but my momma always said that humans can have a little raw cookie dough as a treat.

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10

Nov. ’19

Review: Kraft Jet-Puffed Lucky Charms Magical Marshmallows

General Mills Kraft Jet-Puffed Lucky Charms Magical Marshmallows Review Bag

Imagine if you bit into a Twinkie, and it tasted like a stick of margarine.

Picture this: your fully factorized cheesecake is naught but Crisco and gelatin.

Or perhaps you wake up tomorrow, and your mom’s chocolate-chip cookies are actually worse than oatmeal raisin in disguise: they taste like unsweetened raisins and uncooked instant oats.

That’s the type of disappointment you can expect from Kraft’s new Jet-Puffed Lucky Charms Magical Marshmallows. Yes, I was already put on guard when ordering these online—to this day, my conspiracy theory is that, since Kellogg’s and Post were founded in Michigan, General Mills has cursed us with poor product distribution—because all online listings for these bear impressively unanimous one-star reviews. And it’s not hard to see why. Continue reading →

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22

Aug. ’19

News: 3 More Unicorn Charms & a Cookie-less Christmas

If your first reaction to this news is, “Where have you been for the last month, Dan?” then you and I feel similarly.

Though it’s been nearly a month since Lucky Charms introduced three new colorways to their equestrian arsenal of marshmallows, I only found out about them last night.

Continue reading →

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09

Aug. ’19

News: Lucky Charms Magically Delicious Marshmallows!

Lucky Charms Magically Delicious Marshmallows

Though the era of McDonald’s “supersize me” option has been gut-wrenchingly sent to a highly processed farm upstate, at least someone is retaining the spirit of giga-scopic food enlargement.

And of all cryptozoological people, it’s Lucky the Leprechaun?

I’m not entirely surprised by this—Lucky has been exceptionally puckish lately—but the surprise doesn’t need to be bigger than my stomach. Nor can it be when it comes to full-size, fully bagged and Jet-Puffed Lucky Charms marshmallows.

Mimicking three of the cereal’s iconic marbit charms—moons, clovers, hearts and non-shooting stars (which, uhhh, aren’t actually Lucky Charms marshmallows)—these ‘mallows don’t mimic the texture or taste of real Charm-bits, either. They’re simply s’more-ready, vanilla-flecked marshmallows.

Ooh, now I’ve got an idea: freshly bonfired Moon-pies. Hope I don’t get dunked on by their Twitter account for that.

According to Lucky Charms, these marshmallows are already available in stores. As I look for them, I’ll be sure to eat plenty of gravel, so that my intestines are already braced for the impact of a whole bowl of these squishy suckers doused in milk. Wait, isn’t that how they make napalm?

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29

Jul. ’19

News: Lucky Charms Crispy Rice Clusters Cereal

Lucky Charms Crispy Rice Clusters Cereal Box

Oh, Lucky, you beautiful chameleon of predatory cereal assimilation: you’ve done it again!

Early last year, the breakfast aisle’s favorite impish Irelander threw all caution to the sugar-swirled wind with Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes, a marbit mashup that may not have tasted amazing, but was nevertheless a flippant play that earned my respect for poking the Kellogg’s tiger-bear.

And now, in a move so unprecedented in both shade and punctuality, it seems Lucky Charms wants to remedy the biggest cereal crisis to plague an infinity of earths: the death of Rice Krispies Treats Cereal as we knew it. Continue reading →

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23

May. ’19

Review: Lucky Charms Marshmallow Blondies – Soft Baked Treats

Lucky Charms Marshmallow Blondies Soft Baked Treats Review Box

Forty is a large number. There’s a reason it’s a common Biblical increment of days, as well as the highest number ever counted to on Sesame Street: achieving forty of something is a Big feat—whether it’s Bird or Man in the Sky.

Which is why it’s both a blessing and curse that Lucky Charms’ newest sort-of-cereal-bar is only currently available in boxes (would crates be a better word? caches? sarcophagi?) of forty. As a hardline cereal journalist, of course I had a cinderblock’s worth of these redressed Fiber One brownies shipped to my house, and now it sits as a fixed centerpiece on my coffee table (for at least the next forty days and forty nights), patiently awaiting hungry houseguests—or at least mischievous house cats who love tipping over boxes.

These Marshmallow Blondies are simple beige squares, with a splattered smattering of half-baked marshmallows and an abstract cascade of icing. Certainly much different than the ‘pressed cereal log’ approach of most cereal bars, but is it worth the XL investment? As a natural blondie, I feel qualified to tell you. Continue reading →

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12

May. ’19

News: Lucky Charms Soft-Baked Treats Marshmallow Blondies

Lucky Charms Soft-Baked Treats Marshmallow Bliondies

If there’s any tangential breakfast product spin-off that needed another Darwinian evolution, it’s the cereal bar.

Following the halcyon days of the Milk ‘n’ Cereal Bar (which you can still buy at places like…Staples?), most modern cereal bars are basically just airy candy/granola bar hybrids. Which isn’t a bad thing—it’s still the only way to experience a different flavor of Golden Graham—but I’m generally in the mood to choose one of those two extremes, or split the difference with a Clif Bar so I can at least feel like I’m scaling a daunting crag whilst lying perfectly horizontal.

But the cereal bar’s next munchable mutation is far more exciting. General Mills—pretty much the only cereal company still making bars of mainline cereals—has launched new Marshmallow Blondie Lucky Charms Soft-Baked Treats, which have already been spotted at BJ’s, Walmart, and Sam’s Club.

Though I’m no-doubt excited about these sugar-drizzled blondies—their fossilized layers of marshmallows remind me of the swirling sugar stew that was Lucky Charms Oatmeal—they do look a lot like General Mills’ Fiber One Bars. So will these magically delicious blondies also be digestively rigorous? That remains to be seen. But whether or not Lucky will be keeping my intestines plucky, I’m all for buying a value-pack of these bricks and mortaring ’em up with ice cream ’til they hit the ceiling.

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