31

Jul. ’20

News: Pokémon Cereal (2020)

https://www.instagram.com/p/CDTt_UVFfNl/

DOWN+B. DOWN+B. DOWN+B.

Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there. I was just playing some Smash Bros. to celebrate Cereal Life‘s leak of an upcoming new Pokémon Cereal from General Mills. My character? Pichu, of course. Who else is there?

But much like everyone’s favorite pre-evolved rat, I might be hurting myself by getting too electrically excited. See, Pokémon Cereal has a very dear reputation, especially to me. With the original Pokémon Cereal released by Kellogg’s in 2000, this General Mills “Berry Bolt” cereal has a lot to live up to. Sure, Kellogg’s version was *just* an oats & marbits cereal, like any ol’ Lucky Charm chaser, but what it lacked in originality—and hey, it still tasted great—it made up for with charm: namely, adorably diverse pastel marshmallows, a holographically embossed box, and bowl pal toys inside.

Will General Mills’ team bring anything so super nostalgically effective to the table? Since as with most of Cereal Life’s leaks, the box art here is far from final, it’s difficult to say—however, as it is a puffed cereal, it’s very unlikely to be anything but corn based (and therefore extremely weak to both Oat and Milk type Pokémon), while its two meager, monochrome marshmallow designs leave me about as giddy as a post-dinner Snorlax.

Maybe they can make up for it with some sort of in-box exclusive—General Mills has been doing Pokémon Card promotions for a while now—but as it stands, you might be better off using a Max Revive on an old eBay box of the original stuff. It may be crusty and inedible, but at least you could pretend it’s a Gengar.

 

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30

Jul. ’20

Review: South Korean Green Onion Chex Cereal

South Korean Green Onion Chex Cereal Review Box

DON’T READ THIS.

Remember all those chain letters from the internet’s gullible youth that would start in largely the same way, threatening that if you don’t, say, send this cereal review to 10 other people, Chaka the ogreish Chex piece will sneak into your room at 3a.m. tonight and belch directly into your mouth?

That’s exactly how cursed Kellogg’s of South Korea’s Green Onion Chex Cereal feels. If you aren’t familiar with why this cereal exists, trust me: there’s no way its taste could be more interesting than its origin story, so I suggest you read my first post on the topic before continuing. But even though it’s a great tale, I’m no longer convinced it’s more than a government coverup. Kellogg’s SK may claim that their 2004 mock election between double-chocolate Cheky and green onion Chaka—the latter of whom won the popular vote in a landslide thanks to online agitators—was rigged so kids could enjoy the chocolatey cereal they’d already planned, I think the truth could be more sinister. Perhaps, after Chaka won and Kellogg’s decided to craft a Green Onion Chex, the end result was a substance so foreboding and oppressive that they had to seal it away like an unspeakable eldritch horror.

And now, after 16 years, they aren’t charitably making up for an earlier snub. No, they’re doing damage control: the dormant Chaka’s slumber has been disturbed by 2020’s various…2020isms…and now much like Rita Repulsa, he’s finally free to conquer Earth with his many layers of cross-hatched crunchy creepiness.

Is that to say Green Onion Chex tastes bad? Well, the answer isn’t cut and dry. More like, “cut and watch your eyes water right into the bowl.” Continue reading →

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29

Jul. ’20

The Empty Bowl Episode Thirty-Six: Sealing Away Green Oniondorf

Anybody else feel a little off this week? Like maybe Super Mario 64’s Wet-Dry World is leaking a little bit of its negative emotional aura into our own? Maybe I’ve just been reading too many creepypastas, but if I didn’t have an aversion to hearing my own voice, this is the kind of week that would leave me seeking out something calming. Something relaxing. Something as chill as the milk in your fridge.

Something like The Empty Bowl: a meditative podcast about cereal from me and Justin McElroy. If this is your first emptied bowl rodeo, welcome: rest assured, there will be no bucking broncos of worry and stress ahead: just some good old fashioned yolkin’ around and breakfast clownery. In this episode, Justin and I reluctantly accept a new Froot Loops Something Pop, get existential about South Korea’s Green Onion Chex, and ponder the future of Count Chocula’s oaten ore.

Still bored enough to watch Wet Worlds Dry? There’s plenty more fun to be had at our Anchor hub. You can also follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but each one sets off a 1-Up noise in my prefrontal cortex.

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28

Jul. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Count Chocula Treats (2020)

With a crunchy creak, the Count’s fudge-encrusted crypt has opened again, and with only one cocoa-buttered fingernail poking out so far, the news is…promising.

Thanks to Positively Ghostbusters, we have our first look at what 2020 has in store for Count Chocula plus his fellow Monster Cereals Franken Berry and Boo Berry. While I’m not holding out hope for a Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy return, much less a reversion to these now-corn-based Monstrosities’ former oat flour glory, the ear-shaped head of a vintage Chocula is enough to leave me spooking my pants about Halloween in July. Continue reading →

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28

Jul. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Dunkin’ Cereal (Mocha Latte & Caramel Macchiato!)

New Dunkin' Donuts Cereals 2020 Mocha Latte & Caramel Macchiato

 

(UPDATE: Just today, Post confirmed these Dunkin’ Cereals will be released in late August, with 1/10th the amount of caffeine in a coffee cup per serving!)

Well this was certainly more of a jolt to my brain than any shot of espresso.

Long-time Cerealously readers may remember a rumored Dunkin’ Donuts Caramel Macchiato Cereal that was rumored a year and a half ago, evidenced only by an image with fewer pixels than the cereal has grams of sugar per serving. But then…nothing ever came of it, which wasn’t too much of a shocker, since the cereal was alleged to be caffeinated, which seems like a recipe for wall-bouncing disaster to any unsuspecting parent. And Caramel Macchiato wasn’t the only bit of blurry breakfast gossip that never materialized—though perhaps hope for Cinnamon Honey-Maid and Teddy Grahams Cereal need not be extinguished by doubtful dairy just yet.

Folks, call your boss and take off work, ’cause Dunkin’s pouring us a doppio.

Snack_Alert on Instagram is the first to share proof that both Caramel Macchiato Cereal and a Mocha Latte Cereal are coming soon from Post and Dunkin’. Though it’s doubtful that these crunchy coffees will be caffeinated for real, they’re both made with real Dunkin’ coffee, instantly elevating this above any hypothetical Starbucks Cereal (yeah, I went there). Of course, Dunkin’ has big shoes to fill: the non-slip work boots of Fred the Baker, to be specific.

Dunkin’ Donuts’ original 1988 cereal came in both Glazed and Chocolate varieties. The cereal didn’t last long, but its colorful pastel box alone has made it one of cereal’s most unforgettable discontinuations.

Will the puffs and marshmallows of 2020’s Dunkin’ cereals be able to live up to this reputation? Well, without the ability to erase time and bring us closer to their uncertain release date, we’ll all just have to hunker down with some Timbits Cereal.

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25

Jul. ’20

News: Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats

https://www.instagram.com/p/CCrk1RiF90h/

Help me settle an argument real quick: what’s better, cereal-flavored things or thing-flavored cereal? Though this site was founded on the latter, as time goes on I find myself drawn to obscure cereal infusions outside the breakfast aisle. See, even in the best case scenario, any hypothetical Kit-Kat cereal would be good, but it can only be so good as a grain-based milk intermingler.  No one expects cereal to taste as decadent as a candy bar, so what should we expect from Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats? The entire tongue-popping essence of a full box of Froot Loops, refined and folded into an intimidating Kit-Katana?

It’s hard to say—especially without knowing whether the supposed Froot Loopiness is present in the chocolate or just the wafered innards—but we’ll have a good amount of time to speculate. As junkfoodleaks_ mentions in the above, well, junk food leak, these are due out around a year from now.

What other cereals might make a good candy bar? And vice-versa? If Kellogg’s makes a Kit-Kat Cereal and Kit-Kat then makes a Kit-Kat Cereal Kit-Kat, will that Kit-Kat feel remorseful for stuffing itself with its recycled kin? Such questions may haunt us for years after the next.

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22

Jul. ’20

News: KIND Cereal Comes to Walmart in Four Flavors

KIND Cereal Cranberry Almond Box

Am I excited for KIND Cereal? Well, kind of.

Sure, creative new cereal ideas are always welcome, but at the $6.98 price point KIND and Walmart are asking per box, these suckers better include a pouch of truffle oil as the prize inside. Not to mention how, after reviewing 9 similarly concepted Cerealology cereals with exciting ingredients like matcha and figs, it’s hard for me super excited about four more (comparatively tame) super grain cereals. Continue reading →

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21

Jul. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Froot Loops Ice Pops

https://www.instagram.com/p/CCzQXlRlO4c/

Forget that meme about everything being cake—real experts of goofy geology know that using a hot spork to go one layer deeper reveals that everything, from your memoirs to your boudoir, is really made of Froot Loop. 

Your doughnuts? Froot Loops.
Your ice cream? That’s Froot Loops.
Those heirloom Peeps Pops you hold so dear? Live, laugh, Loop.

As Kellogg’s has apparently perfected the alchemy required to infuse Froot Loopian essence into any state of matter, the unexpected debut of Froot Loops Ice Pops felt less like a surprise and more like an, “I guess.”  Instagram food-finder i_need_a_snack_ spotted these technicolored treats at Dollar General, and in true Froot Loops form, the Pops come in a whole rainbow of identical flavors. A little disappointing, especially now that we know what a leveled-up Froot Loops can do when it expands its fruitful loom, but maybe we can hope for a Froot Loops Ice Pop DLC update in the near future.

But hey, I guess if these don’t work out in popsicle’d form, I could always let them melt into a HydroFlask.

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