Tag Archives: non cereal

Review: Birthday Cake Rice Krispies Treats

Kellogg's Birthday Cake Rice Krispies Treats Review Box

Happy birthday, Jesus! I baked you a cake!

Well, okay, no I didn’t. I barely have enough culinary talent to make Chex Mix without my kitchen turning into an inferno of exploding pretzel kindling. I’m sure you could bake your own cake easily enough anyway—you won’t even need yeast, since you know so much about rising again.

But I did get you these new Birthday Cake Rice Krispies Treats, which are studded with fun rainbow sprinkles and all kinds of icing. I know loaves and fishes are more your thing, but hey: I think I’ve got some Wonder Bread and Parmesan Goldfish in the back.

So regardless of whether you reading this celebrate Christmas or not, let’s break out the wine and Krispies Treats and have a holly jolly day. Continue reading

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Review: Cookies ‘N’ Creme Rice Krispies Treats

Kellogg's Cookies and Cream Rice Krispies Treats Review Box

It’s about time those backstabbing cookies held up their end of the bargain.

See, during a publicized black market trade deal back in 2014, Snap, Crackle, and Pop sold off their DNA to Nabisco, so those cookie-smiths could craft their groundbreaking Marshmallow Crispy Oreos. But the trio of pixies only did it on one condition: in return, Nabisco would have to send over strands of unadulterated sandwich cookie DNA, so Kellogg’s could make an Oreo Rice Krispies Treat.

But they never did. Ever wonder why Nabisco so conveniently moved production operations to Mexico shortly after? It was to avoid a crackling vendetta.

But their relentless mascot mafia, with the help of the Keebler Elf yakuza, finally tracked down the Oreo formula they sought, and now we have these new Cookies ‘N’ Creme Rice Krispies Treats. It’s been a long snack snafu*, and many were left sleeping with the Flavor-Blasted Goldfish, but now I can finally stop painstakingly mixing my Rice Krispies and Oreo O’s.

*Note, none of the above is true, but it would make a killer graphic novel, wouldn’t it? Continue reading

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Review: belVita Gingerbread Breakfast Biscuits

belVita Gingerbread Breakfast Biscuits Review Holiday Box

Gingerbread can do things to a man. Powerful things.

Its pillowy cookie coziness can make him devour a whole plates worth of gingerbread men with all the empathy of a bloodthirsty Xenomorph.
Its darkling molasses sweetness can make him suckle a used cookie cutter like a hungry baby’s favorite pacifier.
Its intricate blend of holiday spices can make him seriously grill a Home Depot employee for a price quote on building an actual gingerbread villa in the countryside—or at least a gingerbread armoire to hold all his Shrek DVDs.

Worst of all, gingerbread can make that cereal blogger scour the aisles of his local supermarket for any kind of gingery breakfast product—be it a cereal, oatmeal, or granola bar—he can write about. Even a breakfast biscuit—the kind that he, after triumphantly trafficking it like a footballer through the store’s pre-Thanksgiving, stuffing-clutching crowd, now munches on—would suffice.

So here he sits a-munching, transfixed by gingerfever. Is this him speaking to you, or the gingerbread? He thinks you should bow to your new gingerbread ov—

Oh hey guys, didn’t see you come in. That was weird—I just had a quick power nap, and now there’s an open package of belVita Gingerbread Breakfast Biscuits in front of me. Oh well, might as well give ’em a try, right? Continue reading

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Review: Mystery Oreo Cookies

Nabisco Mystery Oreo Cookies Review Cereal Package

I’m gonna cut right to the chase, because I don’t have a lot of time and the Oreo I’m dunking in milk with my left-hand while typing this with my right-hand like a clambering hen is quickly growing soggy:

The real mystery behind Mystery Oreo cookies is how Nabisco couldn’t come up with something more creative.

Yes, when it comes to the near-constant stream of new Oreo news—which flickers across my social media timeline reliably enough to warrant it its own stock exchange style ticker—I usually remain an enthusiastic spectator, rather than a loyal hunter and gatherer: after all, how am I supposed to afford 16 Hot-Choco-Doughnut-Bun-Shortcake Oreos with Crackling Candy Filling when I have 17 more boxes of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios to buy, just to get me through the week?

The only time I take Oreo news seriously is when it involves a cereal flavor or the potential revival of Oreo Cakesters. And soon after Nabisco launched its Mystery Oreos, a nebulous flavor whose taste palate can be hypothesized for a chance to win $50,000, I heard from several little birdies that this flavor would “pique my personal interest,” *wink wink* *nudge nudge* *it’s a cereal flavor it’s a cereal flavor.*

So after donning a Holmes-ian hat, boning up on some Encylcopedia Brown, and assuring myself there’s no way Nabisco would release Oreo Cakester-flavored Oreo Cookies, I bought a package. Now, let’s solve a mystery the rest of the Internet solved three weeks ago!

Continue reading

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Review: Nature’s Path Organic Frosted Pumpkin Pie Toaster Pastries

Nature's Path Organic Frosted Pumpkin Pie Toaster Pastries Review Box

It’s like that old children’s book:

If you make a Pop-Tart organic, it’ll want a typewriter to tell people about it.
If you give that Pop-Tart a typewriter, it’ll need thick-rimmed glasses to see the keys.
When you give it thick-rimmed glasses, the Pop-Tart will need to know the proper pronunciation of “quinoa” for its upcoming poetry slam…

I jest, but Nature’s Path Organic’s toaster pastries are, in my mind’s eye, Hipster Pop-Tarts. And just like Trader John Misty—err, I mean, “Joe”—Nature’s Path has a sleek, pumpkin spiced pastry to compete with Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts: Kellogg’s big guns.

(And we all know Pop-Tart guns should be taken seriously.) Continue reading

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Review: 7-11 Stuffed Waffle (Pillsbury)

Pillsbury 7-11 Stuffed Waffle Review Sign

Ha, I bet you thought my first ever waffle review was going to be some fancy pumpkin spiced Eggo, didn’t you? Or perhaps a frou-frou Kodiak Cake, or maybe a behind-the-scenes expose about my Grandma’s lovingly hand-griddled plaid cakes?

Wrong, wrong, and—bless her heart—wrong again.

No, my inaugural Belgian batter odyssey takes place in a questionably lit 7-11 parking lot, at approximately 7 minutes to 11. I’m sitting on the curb, next to the cicada buzz of a tired neon light, cradling an exclusive Stuffed Waffle, created as a partnership between the convenience store chain and Pillsbury.

It looks like a cafeteria grilled chicken tender, and I feel like a bucket of that cafeteria’s janitorial mop water. I’ve questioned my life choices many times, but before today, I never would imagined myself asking:

“Why didn’t I just buy the week-old rolling taquito?” Continue reading

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Review: Burger King Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shake

Burger King Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shake Cereal Milkshake Review

Lucky number seven, everyone.

That’s right: Burger King’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shake is the seventh cereal milkshake I’ve reviewed in the year 2017. In fact, it’s the seventh cereal milkshake I’ve reviewed ever.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a top candidate for Most-Beloved Cereal Ever. Alongside, Honey Nut Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, and Cap’n Crunch, it’s a cult classic—and for good reason: it’s got cinnamon sugar swirls in every bite. It’s the taste you can see!

Well now it’s the taste you can suck, too, thanks to Burger King. I don’t know how it took so long for the Meat-Puck Maestro to adapt this fan favorite, but I’m glad he did. The cylindrical ivory tower standing before me, adorned with an ethereal whipped cream peak and filled with modest beige freckles, is certainly an unassuming beast, but I’m ready to take down its pasteurized soft-serve Walls of Jericho with my plastic reverse-trumpet.

Or as some call it, “a straw.” Continue reading

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Review: Steak ‘n Shake Breakfast Cereal Milkshakes (Cinnamon Crunch & Honey Smacks)

Steak 'n Shake Breakfast Cereal Milkshakes

Whoever first decided to pair milkshakes with cereal deserves a monument. Only a giant marble shake cup will do, preferably filled with liquid platinum and gold nuggets to stand in for soft serve-soaked cereal nibs. It’s an unexpectedly genius idea: sure, cereal and milk have an esteemed history, but you don’t generally associate an indulgent dessert like a milkshake with anything breakfast related—unless you had a bad night at the casino and want to make one last terrible 4am choice.

Now I may revoke my celebration of the breakfast shake’s inventor if this confection enables the shuddersome creation of cereal-infused cheese, but for now, let’s celebrate this golden age of shakes by uniting sugared cereals and cold cream cylinders in holy gastro-matrimony—at a place that’s literally 50% founded on milkshakes.

Yes, Steak ‘n Shake has 5 new Breakfast Shakes—technically 4, because one is Caramel Latte and you can tell the other shakes are only bringing him along because their moms made them (I’ve been there, buddy…as Caramel Latte). I intend to review all of them—Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Krispies, Cinnamon Crunch, and Honey Smacks—eventually, but based on how late my shake-seeking partner and I made it to The House of Beef and Lactose, I didn’t want to be up until 4am with a sugar-addled brain and an abdomen swollen to the size of a cow’s first three stomachs.

Because at that point, I’d feel terrible enough to go back for a fifth. Continue reading

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