BITE-SIZED REVIEW: Apple Cinnamon Chex is aggressively forgettable. Its rice base is vapid, yet its apple dusting is potent as potpourri. Unless you use melted Yankee Candles as milk on your cereal, there's no reason to pick AC Chex over Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, which are also GF pic.twitter.com/ciYtyJ9dXU
— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) June 1, 2021
Still breaking down my breakfast backlog!
BITE-SIZED REVIEW: Cosmic Lucky Charms are…well…they're Lucky Charms, so of course they're good! And the new marbits are pretty 'stellar.
Or rather, the rocket one is alright. We all know those two martian macarons are the headliners here. pic.twitter.com/agq2KKNy5j
— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) May 23, 2021
Like buying a gift for the person who has everything, or picking toppings for the bagel that is Everything, it’s tough saying much about a cereal line like Cheerios Oat Crunch, whose simple concept and already much-lauded lineage seems to speak for itself.
It’s got oats, and it’s got a whole lot of crunch. What’s not to love? Already released in both Cinnamon and Oats & Honey, Cheerios Oat Crunch has earned nothing but high marks and brimming enthusiasm from me. Oats & Honey in particular was named the #1 cereal of 2019—and it was probably the best cereal of the 2010s as a whole, too.
— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) May 15, 2021
With that said, new Almond Cheerios Oat Crunch simultaneously has big, ring-shaped shoes to fill as well as a very low bar to clear. Because if it’s anything at all like its predecessors, it’ll easily be a bombastic breakfast. But the only way to find out is to dig in, eh?
For one thing, its name and eye-catching box art alone are sure to make Dulce de Leche Toast Crunch one of this summer’s most hyped cereals. Second, there’s a lot going on here: like if someone threw a bunch of butter and caramel and milk and cinnamon and ten other things from a confectioner’s cupboard into a washing machine—and then threw that washing machine, plus a dryer and two fridges (for good measure) into an industrial rock tumbler.
But as your friendly neighborhood cereal blogger, I will do my darnedest to demystify these squares and their witch’s brew of golden goo. Continue reading →
What’s the opposite of the Kool-Aid Man? A hollowed-out cherry full of molten glass?
Well whoever he is, somebody better call him, because we’re gonna need a hearty “Oh, noooooo” to kick this review off.
I know, I know: I just shared the news about these Mystery Flavor Pop-Tarts two days ago, and here I am already reviewing them. Well, despite having a portly pantry’s worth of actual cereals awaiting review, after tasting Mister E. Pop-Tarts I knew they had to jump the queue.
See, Pop-Tarts didn’t do what Great Value Mystery Toaster Pastries did, by introducing a fruit punchy flavor so vague it could be anything from grape to grapefruit. However, Pop-Tarts also didn’t do what I hoped they would do: introduce a universally palatable, yet unique, flavor like Chocolate Hazelnut or Honey Pop-Tarts.
No, what Pop-Tarts did was bold—exceptionally so, considering how you have to blindly commit to 16 Pop-Tarts when you buy these.
Well, I’m all out of ideas. I guess it’s hard to guess when I haven’t tasted new Mystery Flavor Pop-Tarts, or Mister E. Pop-Tarts, as they’re calling them. At least we won’t have to wait long, as Mister E. Pop-Tarts are hitting shelves this month. Here’s the origin story from Kellogg’s:
“How did this flavor come to be? Rumor has it, a masked culprit broke into the Pop-Tarts factory and created a mysterious and delicious new flavor. Pop-Tarts loved it so much, they hired Mister E, a world-class flavor investigator and title character on the new Pop-Tarts box, to solve the case.Â
But Mister E needs help from Pop-Tarts lovers everywhere! Fans are invited to share their best flavor guesses for a chance to win epic prizes. After taking a bite, just scan the QR code on the box to visit the entry website and submit your guess. The sweepstakes opens May 27, 2021.”
Honestly, I’m more interested in whether there’ll be a canonical answer as to who the “masked culprit” was. Maybe that’s just a copyright neutral way of explaining why the mystery flavor is like, Crunch Berries or something.
Ultimately, this isn’t the first time a toaster pastry brand has tested our taste buds with an edible enigma: Walmart’s Great Value Toaster Pastries had a mystery flavor back in 2018. I don’t think the truth was ever fully revealed—and the taste was super generic, so I said “Fruit Punch.” Hopefully Mister E. Pop-Tarts—whatever the heck they are—are distinctive enough to tantalize the tip of my tongue.
Honestly, I’m starting to think a weird game of telephone went on at General Mills HQ. They heard our continued cries to restore oat flour to their Monster Cereals (which didn’t work), and interpreted it as “people want more cereal-flavored oatmeals!”
But hey, I’m not complaining—because it finally gives me a chance to talk about hot cereal on this site, which I coldly and rarely do, despite claiming to be a blog for all cereal. As you can see in the above image, posted this week by General Mills, there are a number of releases we already knew about, plus some surprises. Namely, Lucky Charms Oatmeal and Cinnamon Toast Crunch Oatmeal (both of which have previously released as Canadian exclusives), plus new Cocoa Puffs Oatmeal and Trix Oatmeal. If I had to guess, I’d predict Cocoa Puffs will be the standout star, as chocolate tends to infuse beautifully into oatmeal—especially when you toss in some chocolate chips that melt into lovely little landmines.
Also of note here is the return of Team Cheerios. This stuff first debuted way back in 1996 to support the U.S. Olympian team, but it stuck around for a few years after as a Wheaties-esque celebration of all things athletic. Interestingly enough, despite the cereals discontinuation, you’ve always technically been able to enjoy the stuff, provided you’re willing to invest in a 96-count box of Team Cheerios Strawberry Cereal Bars.
However, while the original Team Cheerios combined regular, Multigrain, and Frosted Cheerios with an added brown sugar booster, 2021’s reunion is “Frosted Berry” flavored, which I would guess means these are a sweeter version of Very Berry Cheerios. Either way, I’m skipping the milk and eating these with Gatorade for peak performance.
BITE-SIZED REVIEW: Strawberry Rice Krispies Treats are actually pretty amazing. Compared to Strawberry Krispies Cereal, the fruit flavor here is sharper, juicier and more fruit-snacky. Plus they look like weird alien brains when photographed in portrait mode. That's a win-win! pic.twitter.com/6UfvFnspu4
— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) May 16, 2021
My cereal cupboard overfloweth, so a tweet will suffice for this pink eat (that kinda looks like meat).
Aw man, we were this close to seeing a squad fight in the cereal aisle.
See, Kellogg’s first cereal team-up with GLAAD—raising awareness and funds for LGBTQ+ rights—was “All Together Cereal.” This infamous Super Smash Bros. Ultimate of cereals may not have actually combined six cereals in one box (they were mini boxes inside a bigger box), but I was hoping that in future iterations Kellogg’s might get bolder and try loose mixing + added DLC characters. It also would’ve been convenient timing for All Together to return, just as hype is building around the General Mills’ marbit-soup that is Monster Mash Cereal.
Franchise vs. Franchise. That would be like if Smash Bros. crossed-over with…Digimon Rumble Arena 2.
But nope, instead we get a note-for-note technicolor remaster of 2019’s Caticorn Cereal. Together with Pride tastes exactly the same, and Caticorn wasn’t exactly memorable. If I didn’t have a big fluffy mystical white cat myself, that crunchy cryptid would’ve dissolved into my subconscious aether a year ago.
Like Caticorn, Together with Pride is very generically fruity. It’s difficult and unproductive trying to detect any traces of raspberry or strawberry specifically, because it all gets gummed together by a sticky sugar sheen and the additional cloying sweetness of each piece’s “edible glitter.” Imagine the fakest berry taste you can, then make it hollower and glossier.
Milk can help tone down the artificiality a bit, but Together with Pride’s color evokes Froot Loops, and with that I can’t help but compare the two. What this needs is a juicier, more tropical twist, because as it stands…I’m just gonna leave this bowl standing here.
Maybe it’ll solidify into a cereal milk candle.
The Bottom Line: 4 good causes with bad executions out of 10
