Review: Sonic the Hedgehog Cereal

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 might just be the best video game movie ever.

Sonic the Hedgehog Cereal, meanwhile, is a country mile from being the best video game cereal (my top 3 would be OG Pokémon Cereal, Nintendo Cereal System, and, surprisingly, Minecraft Creeper Crunch).

Just what went wrong with the Blue Blur’s big-box breakfast debut? Well, it starts with the cereal’s poorly promoted existence. When I first got a PR email about this cereal, it was worded very informally. This is exactly all I was told:

“Available nationwide starting in March, Sonic the Hedgehog cereal is honey flavored with sonic marshmallows. The cereal pieces are gold and ring shaped, representing the gold rings from the video game/movie. The blue marshmallows represent sonic swirling around. The green emeralds represent green emeralds from the sonic games.”

Lack of capital letters aside, the problem is that the release date was set for March, before Sonic 2 released in theaters, but it’s only finally been spotted in stores as of yesterday. This all makes me wonder if the cereal was delayed and subsequently(/fittingly) rushed—the box itself reflects this, with the “enlarged to show detail” text appearing very poorly printed and scarcely legible. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, honey, movie cereals. 2 Comments

Apr. ’22

News: Froot Loops Waffles Return

Ahh, I understand now why they changed the Toucan Sam’s design from a weird man-fingered abomination back to a logically feathered fella.

Because if Sam still had fingers, I could threaten to break them if he’s lying to me.

See, the official Eggo Facebook page posted about the return of Froot Loops Waffles—a cult favorite Eggo release from way back in 2003. But they did it on April Fools’ Day. Now typically, brand April Fools’ Day jokes are corporately mandated to be so ridiculously unbelievable that no one could take them seriously and like, sue or something. I’m talkin’ Eggo Motor Oil or Eggo Cat Litter.

So it feels like, at least to me, it would be cruel to tease a very real-looking product like these Froot Loops Waffles, just to have it be a sickening prank. So I’m gonna go ahead and believe that Froot Loops Waffles are actually making a comeback.

Personally, I just wish the old boxes were coming back. Look at how appetizing that golden-age old yeller goldenrod looks compared to the sterile sunniness of today’s Eggo boxes. And look at how young and whimsical Toucan Sam looks! I want that design of him tattooed next to my navel.

With a Froot Loop tatted around said belly button, of course.

No word on when these Waffles may or may not drop yet, but I’ll keep you posted when I learn more.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: eggo, froot loops, kellogg's. Leave a comment

Apr. ’22

News: Snickerdoodle Pop-Tarts

Huh. Okay!

Sorry for lacking excitement on this one, but Snickerdoodle Pop-Tarts, debuting this May, just seem…redundant? I mean, what will they be able to do that P-T’s deuteragonist Brown Sugar Cinnamon hasn’t been doing so iconically for decades? And why do the sprinkles look like petri dish cultures? And why does the snickerdoodle cookie on the packaging simultaneously look like a cookie and, from a warped perspective, a loaf of bread?

Lots of quibbles and questions here, and my complaints are surely arbitrary, but in a world where we’ve still never seen like, a Honey Pop-Tart, it is a little disappointing to see Kellogg’s re-tread old sweet-breaded territory. Oh well! We all know I’ll still be cramming my Tart-hole like a sentient VCR come May.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cinnamon, kellogg's, news, pop-tarts. 2 Comments

Mar. ’22

News: General Mills Filled Bites Cereals

General Mills has a commitment problem.

It seems whenever the cereal behemoth finally gets around to releasing a totally new cereal IP, they end up backtracking and lumping it in with an existing, already well-known cereal family. The highest profile case of this occurred with Tiny Toast, which, at the time, got a lot of publicity for being GM’s first truly new cereal brand in over a decade. However, a year later, Tiny Toast was, well, toast—and its two flavors became Strawberry and Blueberry Toast Crunch, both of which were discontinued not long after.

And now, this seems to be happening again, at least in some sense. Remember Fillows? The extremely dense and decadent filled pillow duo from 2019 which also got axed before releasing new flavors? Well, it appears they may be back, albeit with much more prominent cross-branding with existing General Mills properties.

The above photo of two Crispy & Creamy Filled Bites cereals comes courtesy of Michael B., from a Hy-Vee in Minneapolis that is apparently a test store for General Mills—which makes sense, given that’s where the corporation is headquartered. As a test item, it’s therefore unclear when these Filled Bites might hit stores nationwide, nor is it guaranteed that they’ll even get a conventional release at all.

Either way, I sure hope they do. I thought Fillows were criminally underrated as an uber-indulgent dessert cereal, and any cereal that gives Golden Grahams the spinoff respect it deserves is a must-try in my book. What do you think? Which would you try first?

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cinnamon, general mills, golden grahams, s'mores. 4 Comments

Mar. ’22

News: Three New Frosted Flakes Flavors

Wow-wee, golly-gee! Changing the color and flavor of milk? You mean the thing every single cereal ever does?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally excited for these new Frosted Flakes flavors. I just think it’s a little silly that in-milk alchemy is the principle selling point, since unless your cereal is changing the milk an entirely different color from the cereal pieces themselves, the flavor and pigment infusion of endmilk is pretty much an expected feature at this point.

Rather, it’s the actual Frosted Flavors here that have piqued my interest. Sure, Chocolate Frosted Flakes are far from new, but it seems Kellogg’s is aiming to improve the formula, calling it “better than ever, with traditional corn flakes, sweet cocoa and vanilla flavor.” As far as I know, the titillating promise of vanilla is new here.

The real interesting ones are Strawberry Milkshake, packing “a ripe and juicy strawberry flavor coupled with rich, creamy notes,” and Cinnamon French Toast: “the perfect combination of caramelized brown sugar and maple syrup flavor with warm cinnamon spice on golden toasted corn flakes.”

Though simply sugared Frosted Flakes don’t immediately strike me as the ideal vessel for such nuanced flavors, I’m intrigued enough to check give this whole tasty triumvirate a try when it hit shelves in May.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: frosted flakes, kellogg's, news. 2 Comments

Mar. ’22

News: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Creamy Cinnamon Spread

No, no, no: this is all backwards!

Ever since the likes of Nutella and Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter kicked off a brief “dessert spread” fad like a decade ago, I’ve yearned for those two spreads in particular to get their own breakfast cereals. And although there was a creamy hazelnut cereal released overseas, it seems my dream is no closer to actualization—especially now that General Mills is inversely turning a cereal into a spread, instead!

Launching this month, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Creamy Cinnamon Spread packs all the swirled cinnamon sugar goodness of those crazy squares into a slightly more viscous method of delivery. Much like CTC’s Cinnadust, I have no clue what I would use a whole jar of Creamy Cinnamon Spread for, but unlike the ‘dust, I would have no qualms about spooning this spread straight up (and quickly falling into a blissful cinna-tonic state).

Smoothies? Literal Cinnamon Toast Crunch toast? CTC&J sandwiches? Let me know in the comments what you would use this spread for.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cinnamon, general mills, non cereal, toast crunch. Leave a comment

Mar. ’22

Review: Crumbl Cereal Cookies!

Apologies for the in situ photos—wanted to taste them as close to received temperature as possible.

*Sighs*

*Chisels sedimentary crust from my eyes*

Alright, play the song.

Even though I’m still something-ing my way through my twenties, I’ve been making a lot of jokes lately about feeling old, especially the more I realize that today’s cereal game is far different than the one I grew up with. Whereas I had Chex Quest and Millsberry, today’s kids have color-changing cereal kicks and celebrities turned into cereal pieces that are also emojis. Cereal hasn’t gotten any more or less weird, mind you, just a different kind of weird.

And if there’s any cerebrally immersive church suitable for that newfangled high strangeness, it’s Crumbl Cookies.

As someone who’s not on TikTok (by deliberate design; I’d get nothing done), there are so many trends I just don’t know about. Ergo, the cult appeal of Crumbl Cookies has been totally lost on me this whole time. I just never knew it was a thing, let alone a thing with millions and millions of devoted fans who flock to Crumbl’s’s 300+ locations weekly to try the bakery’s new flavor rotations. In my head, the popular paradigm for buzzworthy desserts is still a serve-yourself froyo shoppe, which in reality is becoming an endangered species compared to Crumbl.

So there I am at my local Crumbl, wide-eyed, slack-jawed, and soul-awed, waiting in line behind a dozen people who are also waiting to try the brand’s four new cereal cookies—as another dozen employees scoop, roll, and bake the doughy discs in a pink-saturated open-concept kitchen. It’s all quite the spectacle—and reminds me of the bubblegum efficiency of Black Mirror’s Nosedive episode—even if I felt a little out of my element (I tend to have more of a salty than a sweet tooth, believe it or not, so I’m less apt to go out for treats and instead just have a bowl of cereal at home). I also admittedly received a voucher from Crumbl to review these cookies, so it was especially funny to see the cashier’s reaction to my coupon redemption, her seeming to think I was a hip TikTok influencer instead of a crusty millennial cereal blogger.

But that’s enough about the setting, let’s talk about the eating.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: non cereal. Leave a comment

Mar. ’22

Review: Boston Creme Donut Pop-Tarts

Milk Chocolate Graham

Choco Graham Pop-Tarts

Milkchocolategraham Poptart Wheretofind

Why’d they stop making MCG PTs

Bring Back Milk Chocolate Graham Pop-Tarts

Ope, sorry, I thought this was Google for a second. You see, it’s been eight years since Pop-Tarts, for their 50th brand-iversary, brought retro flavor Milk Chocolate Graham back to shelves (it’s original release date is unclear, but way before I was born), and I still haven’t gotten over it. The little things were pretty unassuming and didn’t yield many rave reviews, but I adored them for their graham forwardness and the way they eschewed the fluffy filler of S’Mores Pop-Tarts to focus on that campfire treat’s real most defining components.

To this day, Milk Chocolate Graham is my favorite Pop-Tarts flavor ever, and chocolate Pop-Tarts in general are my favorite toaster pastry genre, so whenever a new Choco-Tart drops, I muster a few feeble prayers in hope that the new kid on the fudgy block will live up to the precedent set by the likes of Chocolate Fudge, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and yes, Milk Chocolate Graham.

Boston Creme Donut Pop-Tarts are the latest such Tart in the Brotherhood of Sweet, Sweet Brown—the first new chocolate Pop-Tart flavor, in fact, since 2020’s phenomenal Chocolatey Churro. But are these BCD Pop-Tarts an answer to my prayers, or the cruel curling of a monkey paw’s middle finger? There’s only one way to find out, and it involves wiggling my own fingers whimsically with a “don’t mind if I do” muttered in my empty kitchen. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: chocolate, kellogg's, non cereal, pop-tarts. 5 Comments