22

Aug. ’18

Review: Strawberry Life Cereal

Quaker Strawberry Life Cereal Review Box

Believe me, the strawberry life is a tough one to live.

I would know: I’ve tried it. Always being the sweetest and most loved in the room? It’s not a proud path to follow, but you hand out enough free gum and anyone can be the most loved kid in 5th grade American History class. And having to hang out with Franken Berry? Respect to his legacy, but as a conversationalist, he’s a bit of a dolt—or at least a pain in the neck.

I did like wearing pastel pink though.

That’s all to say that Quaker’s new Strawberry Life cereal faces a questionable judge in this review. I found that there have been very few fruity Life Cereals (Pumpkin Spice doesn’t count!), and perhaps for good reason: I typically associate Life’s multigrain biscuits with richer flavors, so a fruit-filled flavor like strawberry will have to pull some real flavor sorcery to realign my expectation of what a Mikey-approved cereal can be.

Let’s see how much of the strawberry life this can restore to my currently bananas existence. Continue reading →

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20

Aug. ’18

News: Pop-Tarts Cereal Will Return in Early 2019!

2018 Pop-Tarts Cereal Strawberry Box

Photo via Kellogg’s

(Update: We reviewed both flavors!)

You ever hear news so good, it gets you feeling a little warm?

But not like, the bad, sweaty, smelly kind. Or the hauntingly feverish kind either. More like the cozily grill-lined, hot & toasty feeling of a warm blanket, or perhaps a toaster set to massage mode.

That’s how I felt when receiving visual confirmation that Pop-Tarts Crunch, a cereal thought to be lost by the technicolor dawn of Y2K and then unsuccessfully rebooted around 2013, will be returning to shelves on just as the year 20-ea-ting ends.

Continue reading →

Posted by . Categories: News. Tags: , , . 8 Comments

18

Aug. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Unicorn Power Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts!

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bmlc3VnhRCr/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=dkbxzjgf7acg

Some cryptids have all the fun.

Unicorns get everything from cereal and Frappuccinos to bath bombs and top-tier piñatas, while Bigfoot and Nessie bat clean-up witha solid cult following and a great Napoleon Dynamite cameo.

Yet I’ve never once seen a Mothman Cereal–let alone Chupacabra Frappuccinos. That’s what makes @junkfoodgoat‘s discovery of new Unicorn Power Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts at Sam’s Club all the more bittersweet. Because while I can’t wait to munch into some Lisa Frank-style toaster pastries, I wish there was at least a Michigan Dog Man Toaster Strudel to compete with.

Sadly, the Pop-Tarts do appear to be only Cherry flavored, as opposed to Kellogg’s “Magical Cupcake” cereal that appears to bear nearly the same unicorn design.

Maybe the scarlet cherry filling is actually immortal blood?

Thanks again to Junk Food Goat for sharing. Apparently this variety will also be out in smaller boxes as “Sparkle-licious Cherry.” Once I do find a box of my own, I’ll be sure to dunk them in Red Bull to make Pegasus Pop-Tarts.

Posted by . Categories: Specials. Tags: , , . 2 Comments

16

Aug. ’18

Review: Nature’s Path Golden Turmeric Cereal

Nature's Path Golden Turmeric Cereal Review Box

I only know three things about turmeric:

1. It reminds me of elementary school (and two days ago) Neopets favorite Turmac Roll.

2. It’s in a lot of hip dishes that a man of my economic stature has no business even observing through any organ from the sinuses down.

3. My mom once bought a full bottle of it, and after realizing she didn’t know what to do with it, left it to hibernate for years behind the expired taco seasoning packets, like an auburn hermit.

And I guess I also know that Nature’s Path’s Golden Turmeric cereal is the first cereal of its kind. Combining thick, Tostitos Scoops-shaped flakes with turmeric, honey, cinnamon, and flakes of coconut, this smorgasbord of snappy spice promises to educate my palate like a benevolent Gordon Ramsay fresh out of the convent.

So without further ado, let’s see whether sugar, spice, and everything nice play nice here.

Continue reading →

Posted by . Categories: Reviews. Tags: , , , . 13 Comments

13

Aug. ’18

Insta-Review: Weird Beard Candle Company Saturday Morning Cartoons Air Fresheners

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bmb5TnInkQc/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=pe306vrpbk91

Sometimes I get more new products than my only-human schedule can handle. As much as I wish slingin’ snappy cereal soliloquies could be my full-time job, there aren’t always enough hours of the day to spew 600+ words about why a brick of shredded wheat reminds me of summer camp.

In those events, I’m happy to still say a few words on social media and amplify it here. Such is the case with Weird Beard Candle Company’s Saturday Morning Cartoons I & II air fresheners.

Peep the post embedded above for my thoughts, but suffice to say I liked these a lot more than the last cereal air freshener I got. While that spicy square is still spurting powderized fire inside my glove compartment, WBCC’s Froot Loops-themed nose flavor is keeping my nostrils youthful through every roundabout, while the sniffable Cap’n variety is keeping my kitchen whimsical.

I look forward to seeing how its odor interacts with a simmering pot roast’s. Thanks again to Weird Beard Candle Company!

The Bottom Line (I): 8 sedan-driving toucans out of 10

The Bottom Line (II): 8.5 Crunchatized timeshares out of 10

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10

Aug. ’18

Rumor Mill: Pop-Tarts Crunch Revival!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BmRuQBdgnup/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1spb0t5sz86l5

Finally: a nostalgic reboot that’s got me hopeful again.

From French Milquetoast Crunch to Oreo Oh…s, the cereal industry’s recent revivals of straight-off-the-BuzzFeed-list cult classic morning munchies have all been good, but they lose their luster when compared to the originals. So like every Ghost of a Buster or CGI’d Rugrat, I’ve started viewing cereal remakes with trepidation, guarding my fond memories like a stash of pre-Y2K canned goods.

(I’ll let you all into my bunker if you remember to bring the milk.)

Continue reading →

Posted by . Categories: Specials. Tags: , . 5 Comments

07

Aug. ’18

Review: Kashi by Kids Cocoa Crisp Cereal

Kashi by Kids Cocoa Crisp Cereal Review Box

Beans have grown too powerful.

What started as a jovial musical fruit has now convinced all of society that it’s cool, and its positive public opinion rises with every pet name given, Starbucks opened, and Rowan Atkinson’d.

The collective legume’s luster has even bloomed into cereal, like Kashi By Kids’ new, trilogy-completing flavor: Coco Crisp. It’s not the first of its kind to be made out of bean ingredients, in Kashi’s case chickpea flour (which is leeching popularity off chicks and peas), but Cocoa Crisp promises a bold pairing of chocolate pucks and chocolate-stuffed chocolate-flavored pillows.

This sounds like one worth having a spoonful of peanut butter on hand for, but since I forgot to buy more peanut butter, I’ll just dive in with two spoons instead. Continue reading →

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05

Aug. ’18

News: Kellogg’s Halloween Cereals are Getting a Monstrous Marshmallow Upgrade!

Someone call Wilmer Valderrama, because this is a Yo Momma-worthy rivalry in the breakfast world.

See, I don’t think Kellogg’s timely decision to turn their 3 flagship spookily spoonable flavors—Froot Loops, Apple Jacks, and Chocolate Frosted Flakes, all with (formerly skeletal) marshmallows—into awesomely characterized, diversely ‘mallowed jack-o’-lantern glow-upped versions of themselves was a mere aimless gesture.

Between the conveniently bat, Frankenstein, and ghost-shaped marshmallows and the doubtfully accidental pairing of werewolf and mummy costumes, this feels like a direct wink at General Mills’ Monster Cereals. Big K’s consonant hat tip couldn’t have been timed better, either: with rapidly staling box art returning this year instead of new looks for Count, Frank, and Boo (seemingly the only reanimated Monsters this year), I’m much more excited about this trio of immersively designed delights.

I mean, how couldn’t I? Tony looks like he could tell me that man is nothing but a miserable pile of secrets any minute!

Thanks to Hillary H. for sharing the news of these—you can view them on Walmart’s website.

Posted by . Categories: News. 4 Comments